Dear Mom,
So if you’ve read my most recent letter already, keep going, otherwise scroll down to read that one first! K. said she really enjoyed talking to you the other day on the phone and was sorry that getting your granddaughter off to school cut things short a bit. I was in the salt mines at the time as she probably told you.
This is the conversation we had on the way back from her voltigieren (horse vaulting) one day.
__________________
Daddy, why did Grandpa get burned?
We don’t say “burned” in English, sweetie-bear. We say “cremated.” Can you ask the question again with the word “cremated?”
Why did Grandpa get cremated?
Because he wanted it that way. That’s what I want to happen to me, too. I want to go out in a blaze of glory.
When you get cremated, do you put the ashes in the ground?
You can put them in the ground, or you can scatter them to the wind, or let them fall into a river, anything – it’s your choice. Then you can put a plaque in a cemetery if you like, with the person’s name, the dates he was born and died, and a little saying maybe. Do you remember driving for three days to get to the very middle of Canada almost to be in the little town where Grandpa’s ashes are buried?
Yeah, that was a long way.
(something else said here, but I don’t recall what)
Was Penny cremated?
No, Penny was lowered into the ground in a coffin. I remember seeing her before, though. I went with your two uncles and your Grandpa. Grandma was too devastated to go along. She knew she was dead, she didn’t want to see the body.
What’s “devast… …”
It means she was very, very, sad. She was sad for a very long time.
Did you take a picture?
No, I didn’t take a picture! There are some things you don’t take a picture of, some places where you should never bring a camera, and that’s one of them. It wouldn’t have been dignified.
What’s that?
It would mean that you wouldn’t have shown respect for the specialness of the person who died.
It’s too bad we’ll never see her baby.
That’s true, it is too bad. But maybe there is a way to find her. If I put her story out on the internet, maybe someone, somewhere out there will see it and recognise it as her own. I’ve often thought of trying to find her, but it just seemed so hopeless. Besides, unless you’re the mother of the baby that was given up for adoption, they don’t just let anybody look into records to try to find people. It’s funny though. The world is very big, but at the same time, very small. I might have been sitting beside her for hours in an airplane, and never known who she was. Or she might have been living on another street in the same city.
When you’re trying to find someone, the world is very big, and when you’re trying to get away from someone, the world is very small.
Hey, you got that right! I wish I had a pen so I could write that down! I’m going to write that down as soon as we get home.
(pause)
Did she want to have a baby?
No, she didn’t want to have a baby, but she made a mistake. As we’ve told you, if you have sex with someone and you aren’t careful, you can have a baby, or you can get diseases.
But why did she give her baby away? Didn’t she want to keep it?
No, she was too young for that. She had no home to bring it back to, she didn’t have a job…
What did she look like?
I don’t know. None of us ever saw here. But maybe one day.
____________
love,
Ian
© 2007 lettershometoyou
The banner photograph shows the town of Britannia Beach, BC, Canada, where I grew up. It's home. But I don't live there anymore.
I was thinking about this not too long ago, as I do from time to time. What the person’s life has been like, etc. How DOES one go about finding an adoptee?
I was looking into that a while back and discovered that the law was liberalised for birth mothers and adoptees somewhat back in ’96, but relatives like you and me still aren’t allowed to look via official channels.
Recently a friend of mine passed away, and we offered her son a cremation urn. It was a perfect white marble vase style urn, and exactly what this woman reflected to us. Many people touched the urn and had a special connection to her through it. She was a good woman, good friend, and a knowledgeable and active member of our mountain side community. I will miss our walks in the morning with my dogs.
We were glad to memorialize our friend through the urn we choose. Cremation urns provide the special opportunity to give a loved one a special resting place just as unique as they were in life.India’s hindus cremate as well, but scatter in the their loved ones cremains in their sacred rivers.For urns for your loved one, to go: Cremation Urns
I was going to delete this, but thought I’d leave it in because it actually inspired a post. Thanks. Oh, and do die soon.
Woot! Your daughter vaults. Very cool … I’m a former equestrian and vaulter myself.
brightfeather,
that’s wild. Actually she has left the vaulting behind and is now into the equestrian only. I have never been much into horses, but now I love taking her to the stables and hanging around, even though I don’t ride.
i did horse vaulting too, at that age. i think i never really grew to like it, i never liked horses much and wasn’t a very “physical” kid, anyway. after that came ballet. not much better, lol. i guess those choices were more about what my friends were doing (and what my parents thought would be a good idea to get a manic reader and painter moving at least a little bit) than they were about my own preferences.
good post on that spam comment. i’ve had one or two of these posts and left them undeleted, but removed the link.