Dear all,
I’ve been going along for a good stretch enjoying all things Germany has to offer (white asparagus excepted) but the past couple of days have knocked me back into that danger zone you can get into as an expatriate: it’s true! The stereotypes, the complaints, the whining forum posts – they’re not only based in fact, they go further! Like today:
Riding my bike with my tail between my legs after having been admonished yesterday by a full-geared bicycle Polizist that It Is Verboten To Ride Your Bike In The Wrong Direction On The Bike Path, I was dutifully enjoying some bone-jarring brickwork and upthrusting tree roots instead of the smooth roadway as I usually do, when suddenly a familiar obstacle loomed ahead: the dreaded Vannicus Blocus Pissmeoffagus, easily identifiable by the careless manner in which the driver – too self-important to obey the rules and after all they’re only cyclists so who really gives a damn anyway – wedged his nose in just enough to cover the path completely but leave a little room on the sidewalk- oh, Dankeschön – for cyclists to slip by.
Taking out my camera, I did for a moment pause to consider that in the lineup of daily irritants some have to put up with this is pretty trivial stuff, but I thought: enough’s enough.
So as I was taking a photo of this twerp’s disregard for the rules of the road and with an idea slowly forming that maybe it’s time for an English-language Hamburg Driver Wall of Shame page on this blog for all 26 of us to marvel at occasionally, along come a couple of cyclists.
“You going to put this on the Internet or something?” a man asks me.
“Yeah, but it’s just a blog, and besides it’s in English, it’s a long name, I don’t have a pen…”
“Well… (he’s speaking to me in perfect German) I’m Canadian and I’d like to see a photo of this somewhere.”
From then on of course the path of least resistance took over and we talked about all and sundry about how we’re forced to obey the laws to the letter but at the same time put up with the carelessness of drivers who outnumber us 200 to one and whaddyado wearyafrum howlongyabinhere, this here’s my girlfriend, say hello, when out of the blue….
“Don’t you people have JOBS to go to or something?”
Some pinch-faced woman in a tin can car wearing those oversized Prada Chanel wrap-around sunglasses and obviously mistaken with the notion that an entire bottle of jet-black hair colouring might make her look a little less like a witch was speeding away before I had much of a chance to blurt out, “hey Lady, just so happens my two fellow cyclists live in Hamburg but are on HOLIDAY, I work FULL TIME but am on DAYS OFF!”
But who needs an explanation for such people? As a pedestrian I’ve been bitched at by drivers at empty intersections in one-horse towns because I walked across on the red. This is so classically German it’s barely worth mentioning, but for someone to automatically assume that just because we are not in an office at noon on a weekday we’re jobless bums, and furthermore, we’re forced to ride bicycles because we have no income… well that’s a new one on me.
Also says something about attitudes to the unemployed: you’re in my way, you’re not needed, you don’t count.
What the hell, I met a fellow Canadian out of it. Hiya George! Beer sometime?
all for now,
Ian
The banner photograph shows the town of Britannia Beach, BC, Canada, where I grew up. It's home. But I don't live there anymore.
are you going to start a category/tag for hamburg drivers wall of shame or are you just going to whinge about it
heh – I’m still in whinge mode I guess. I’ll need at least a half-dozen photos before setting up a page. Check back in a couple of hours.
Hello Ian!
The picture really works well; with the cyclist there in mid-frame trying to get around the truck – it’s just perfect.
Despite being called useless bums, we had a good day. I’d love to get together; I’m sure we have a lot in common. You have my eMail address now.
‘Til then.
Hi George! – glad you had a good day after that little interlude. I’ll be mailing you.
What a coincidence – my wife got admonished by a policeman for parking in the wrong direction, in our little side street no more than 100 meters end to end. Probably less. Never could get the hang of meters. The Bulle said a ticket would run 15 euros.
They’re sticklers about that parking in the right direction thing. Do you think it has more to do with aesthetics than safety? All those blue, black and grey cars lined up in a neat little row, and BANG – someone parks the wrong way.
hey
i guess, its quite normaly, that someone can not really read some signs
.. and in all countries some people are supposed, to park the wrong way anyway.
where else, should the governement get the money from?
have a nice day
besides it is more priceless, to park at the walkway, insteed the non parking places here. how strange
so do you solicit many readers to your blog by artfully arranging parked cars?
I think I’ll have to try that ploy tomorrow
nurse,
that would be a trick. But I’m serious about the colours. Look at any row of cars here and 19 out of 20 will be blue, grey or black. Heavy on the black. Oh, and the taxis – they’re a sexy baby-shit cream.
Michael (aka stubborn german) –
We were in Durban, South Africa this past summer where everyone is allowed at certain times of day to just park his car on the street and head into the mosque to pray. Adapt or die, I guess.
Ah … the Germans! At once, so tidy, and at the same time, so (occasionally) gittish. They can’t help it. They see a line or a frontier, and they’ve just got to cross it.
It would never happen here in England, of course. Except on days with a ‘y’ in them.
Kind Regards
THJnr
baby shit cream?? what do they feed babies in germany?
or is the white asparagus responsible for this also?
well nurse, since you’re on the psychogeriatric ward I guess you don’t have much contact with babies, unless…
but anyway i’m sure there’s a vegetarian or two out there feeding their kid strained white asparagus juice right now. oh, the humanity…