The 20 Blogging Commandments

And so it came to pass that in the realm of blogging, its participants paused for five nanoseconds five short months ago to contemplate the arrival of Letters Home to You. Its author has now unexpectedly unearthed a long-lost fragment of the WordPress Blogging Bible, which he now realises would have been a great help to a first-time blogger undertaking this most difficult of tasks. He now passes it on to you, in the hope it will be of some use.

1. Yea as you walk in the Shadow of the Valley of Ideas which come not, post ye not for its own Sake, for it is better to have a Week with no Posts than an array of seven Posts about Naught.
2. Compare ye not with other Bloggers; just as their Truth is not your Truth, their Format is not your Format.
3. Be ye not afraid should it come to pass the Feeling thy Blog has no Direction, for thereby miss ye the Point: for to express freely in good Spirit and gain Amusement thereby.
4. Read the Scriptures contained in the Forum at WordPress.com, a veritable Font of Assistance in Matters technical and otherwise.
5. Therein will ye uncover this simple Truth should ye search for it: it matters not the Size of thy Flock, nor how often they attend thy Sermons; it is in the Care ye show for them, and they for you, that is foremost.
6. Therefore I verily say unto thee, focus ye not on the Number of those reading your Blog, but on the Content to be written therein.
7. Be that as it may, verify ye not your Blog Stats upon the rising Sun, for the plunging Contours of this Chart can be an especially discouraging Way to start your Day.
8. Be ye vigilant in consulting Lorelle on WordPress. Inasmuch as her Blog be full of wise Teachings, take ye not her entire Word for Gospel Truth.
9. Seek out the Company of other Bloggers, for it is in placing your Comment on theirs that they will be led back to you.
10. Fret ye not should said Bloggers not comment on thine, for they may liken your Blog to the worm-filled Droppings of a diseased Camel, and be repulsed thereby.
11. Though ye may be of the Opinion that certain Ideas and Posts of other Bloggers be the product of a deranged Mind, be ye kind: lead yourself not into the Temptation of entering the Realm of flame Warfare, for what is written on their Blog in Rage and Fury can return to bite thee in the nether regions.
12. Make no Haste in your Scribblings. It is better to await the Passage of time to re-write from the Beginning, than to post Thoughts unformed.
13. Scribbleth ye a few Drafts should it come to pass your World be temporarily a peaceful Place, and Inspiration cometh naught. Be that as it may, see number one.
14. Be ye aware that in this World lurketh they who would leave Shit and Abuse Unpleasantries in the Space ye kindly reserve for Comments from good People. Thy Task is therefore to place the Comment Settings so that ye may first moderate them. Though this be a major Bummer, it is better to make Things more difficult for All, than to permit Trolls - who have the attention-craving Mindset of little Children - to gain Access.
15. And though ye may enjoy great Amusement and Merrymaking in crafting your favourite Post, be ye not crestfallen should ye discover it quickly lost in the Mists of Time. Just as the News printed yesterday be used today for lining the Cages of Birds and carrying home from Market the Fishes of the Sea, so too will these Posts dwell in the Realm of the Forgotten Blog Posts forever.
16. Less is often more. Though ye may be blessed with the photographic Talents to rival that of a Gaggle of Tourists from Kansas, go sparingly with the posting thereof, unless your Blog be for the Display of such Images primarily. Just as too much Salt will render the Ground infertile, so too should Photographs like a Salad your Blog enhance, not overbear.
17. It is easier for Rupert Murdoch to pass through the Eye of a Needle than a Myspace User to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Therefore, avoid this Pit of Iniquity as you would the Plague, and be content thereby, though scorn ye not the Befallen.
18. Though ye may tag some Posts as Humour, it is Madness to believe that All will consider it so.
19. These Truths are not set in Stone, but pixelated Dust, and will change as surely as the Tide will ebb and flow and the Multitudes will swoon over another Fit of Hissy by the Paris Hilton of Babylon.
20. Though it is a Place only whispered about, it is not Blasphemy to proclaim unto you: from Time to Time it is necessary to enter that Purgatory known as Off-line. Just as ye would not remain in the Basement and play with your Choo-choo Trains for Weeks on end, so too must ye leave your Laptop closed and venture forth into the wider World in search of Sustenance.

And so it must come to pass that this blog remain unchanged and in a fixed state for about three weeks, though its author may not.

© 2007 lettershometoyou

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Altered states, altered bodies: now even the unseen isn’t good enough

Caution: discussion of a most intimate part of the female anatomy ahead. If you’re at all uncomfortable with the subject of how half the human population of the planet is formed, and about how some are willing to pay around €3000 euros for the right to change it, please read no further.

Dear all,

Riding the subway the other day I turned to my right to find a small, discrete advertisement on the window telling woman how their lives could be better if only they changed the shape of their labia. “Keine falsche Scham” - No false shame was the title, a play on the German word Schammlippen for the labia.   Literally: shame lips.   In smaller print it goes on to say that with a “minimal alteration in the intimate area,” the good plastic surgeons can “help give women more self-confidence and a better quality of life.”

Accustomed as I am to reading all manner of commercial messages in German showing people in various states of dress and undress for all manner of products and services, this one took me unexpectedly aback. I also must have looked quite the perv to the two women facing across, cuz I whipped out my notebook and started jotting things down, squinting at the website address, and so on.

Not that the idea was anything new to me. This sort of surgery has been around for a number of years now. It’s when you see it bleary-eyed first thing in the morning as a subway ad you start to wonder: is there nothing we won’t do to re-make ourselves into some pre-conceived idea of perfection? I ask you: what’s the point in all this?

Where did we get the idea that there was something so wrong with our bodies that we’d be willing to fork over thousands of euros and submit to a scalpel to cut back or add onto certain parts of it? Especially one which, aside from ourselves, only our most intimate partners ever see?  Ah, but that’s one of their selling points.  Some say they’re ashamed of the way their genitals look, that their partners are turned off by the sight.

The website goes into a lot of detail, explaining that there are medical as well as aesthetic reasons for getting this work done. Medical I can understand - past-partum and all that. But another one of the aesthetic reasonings goes something like this: my labia are too large, I’m embarrassed to be seen undressed in front of other people, and that makes a trip to the sauna out of the question.

But anybody who’s ever been to a public sauna will tell you: out of a hundred naked bodies male and female you will see in any given sauna on any given day in Germany, chances are that five or six of either sex will have a body to die for. The rest? Old, fat, flabby, hairy, hoary, pear-shaped, penguin-shaped, knock-kneed, pigeon-toed, bubble-butt, thunder thighs.( And that’s just me.)  You don’t see any looks of shame on their faces.  Labia too large? Fer crissakes, how often do you walk into a sauna and say, “gosh, that woman has huge and disgusting lips. I’m SO outta here.” I mean really!  In a German sauna women may be walking around in the nude, but I’ve yet to see one with her legs positioned in such a way that you can even glimpse her labia, let alone make a value judgement on it.

Damn shame, actually.

OK, not to make too much light of this - let’s get down to what’s really going on here. Someone, somewhere has decided that there’s a lot of money to be made making women feel uncomfortable about some part of their bodies. Nothing new there. Breast enlargement, breast reduction, tummy tucks, liposuction, botox - the list is endless. In the 70’s they were trying to convince us that a woman’s pubic area reeked so bad it required a Feminine Deodorant Spray.

I look at labia surgery as an extreme example of the mistaken belief that through technology we can improve on nature. We’re doing to our bodies what we’ve already done to planet earth: sculpted it to our own ideal, sectioned parts of it off, added bits here, taken some off there. Is this a good thing? I don’t think so.

I don’t believe that a carefully placed scalpel can somehow add value to your life. Just as peace isn’t just the absence of war and health isn’t just keeping illness at bay, so is beauty the silent declaration of an inner serenity, a state of mind. Whatever your body shape or age, it quietly demonstrates to the outside world you’ve no need to go under the knife to feel good about yourself, that you accept yourself for the person you are, for your strengths as well as your weaknesses. If it works, why fix it?

all for now,

Ian

I’ll get a Second Life when I’m through with the first

Dear all,

It’s no longer much of a secret that another world is being built from the ground up just a few mouseclicks away.   It’s called Second Life, a virtual world where property is bought and sold, lives played out and fortunes won or lost.  

Why didn’t I get in on the ground floor of this bonanza when the gold was lying on the ground and anyone could just fill his boots?   Heck, even the Swedes are at it, the first country to open up its very own virtual embassy, directing Second Lifers to the Swedish embassy and all things Ikea Swedish in, err, the real world.   As if that last link wasn’t proof enough, I’m late to the game as usual.

The press has focused on how much money is changing hands in this virtual world: about 1.7 million US dollars per day as of about five minutes ago. 

Some media aren’t stopping there.  In a recent Der Spiegel print article, Second Life’s creator Philip Rosedale was called, “…probably the most far-reaching world creator and community founder since Moses, Karl Marx and Thomas Jefferson…” 

Now that’s a statement as breathtaking in its hyperbole as any I’ve seen in any medium anywhere in this or the previous millenium.

What I don’t understand is how people can buy into something they already have.  Are the creators of Second Life really just a bunch of swindlers, making money from a huge joke?  You can get that impression without paying a nickel just by reading their homepage:

From the moment you enter the World, you’ll discover a vast digital continent, teeming with people, entertainment, experiences and opportunity.  Once you’ve explored a bit, perhaps you’ll find a perfect parcel of land to build your house or business.

Umm, maybe I haven’t been paying attention, but if you’ll look around you’ll find this is what’s been going on for quite a while already.   OK, not exactly. 

Because we have developed into a lazy lot either unwilling or unable to take risks, where there is an insurance policy to account for every danger and a warning label (Caution: coffee is hot!) for most everything formally covered by instinct and common sense, Second Life offers a world where action, adventure, power and prestige are there for the asking at the click of a mouse, a small monthly charge, and optional extras.

Oh, and let’s not forget great looks, now and forever.  Sick of being a middle-aged fat guy living in your mother’s basement, but unwilling to pay the price to change things for the better?  No problem, pal - step right up here.  Buy yourself a Second Life, be a 22-year-old dragon-slaying sex idol with land, money and more dreams than a thousand and one nights. 

I think I’ll get a Second Life when I’m done with the first.  In real life the barriers to entry are much higher, but then again, so are the rewards.   Being yourself, not some avatar.   Being true to other people.  Not being fake.   Taking the consequences for your actions, instead of just moving on.  Having friends, not just “friends.”  Truly enjoying the best things in this life, which will always be what they always were: free.

all for now,

Ian

PS:  Trust a Canadian to take this to the next level: a Second Life parody page courtesy of Vancouver writer Darren Barefoot.

Some great lies lie only a breath away

That post the other day about lying to get into the Cannes Film Festival prompted many to comment that it took chutzpah to do such a thing. I’m not so sure. People lie not for its own sake - that would be pathological - but to get what they want, or at least try to. So I jotted down a few of the whoppers that have come my way over the years. Some go a way back, one is as recent as the past couple of days. Some I believed, some I didn’t but pretended to, others I realized were Great Steaming Piles of Horseshit, but I had no way of proving otherwise until later - like after doing a simple Google search. Each has a story behind it that I just might get to some day.

For obvious reasons, you won’t find I Love You, This Won’t Hurt A Bit and Cheque’s In The Mail.

• I’ve got a guy coming over this afternoon who’s really eager to buy it.
• What are you complaining about? I’ll let you in on something: besides me and the assistant manager, you’re the best-paid guy around here.
• I need the money to get my car fixed, so I can take us both to my sister’s big wedding celebration tomorrow.
• I just want to be your friend.
• This deal is going to make us both a lot of money.
• You’re so handsome, I bet you’re one of those men who gets better-looking with age.
• Those ones in the advertisement are sold out, but we do have these more expensive items.
• I’ll borrow it for the school term, then I’ll give it back.
• I have it with me. I’ll bring it over next week.
• I’m married.
• I’m single.
• I’m married, but don’t wear a wedding ring because it would interfere with playing my instrument.
• If I were single, you could do me any time you want.
• I don’t recall saying that.
• I don’t recall doing that.
• If you go across the street to Brown Brothers Ford and try to drive a hard bargain like this, they’ll throw you off the lot. You’re getting the best deal around.
• We don’t pay overtime because we don’t have the budget for it.
• It’s been a pleaure having you work here and we’re sorry to see you go.