That post the other day about lying to get into the Cannes Film Festival prompted many to comment that it took chutzpah to do such a thing. I’m not so sure. People lie not for its own sake – that would be pathological – but to get what they want, or at least try to. So I jotted down a few of the whoppers that have come my way over the years. Some go a way back, one is as recent as the past couple of days. Some I believed, some I didn’t but pretended to, others I realized were Great Steaming Piles of Horseshit, but I had no way of proving otherwise until later – like after doing a simple Google search. Each has a story behind it that I just might get to some day.
For obvious reasons, you won’t find I Love You, This Won’t Hurt A Bit and Cheque’s In The Mail.
- I’ve got a guy coming over this afternoon who’s really eager to buy it.
- What are you complaining about? I’ll let you in on something: besides me and the assistant manager, you’re the best-paid guy around here.
- I need the money to get my car fixed, so I can take us both to my sister’s big wedding celebration tomorrow.
- I just want to be your friend.
- This deal is going to make us both a lot of money.
- You’re so handsome, I bet you’re one of those men who gets better-looking with age.
- Those ones in the advertisement are sold out, but we do have these more expensive items.
- I’ll borrow it for the school term, then I’ll give it back.
- I have it with me. I’ll bring it over next week.
- I’m married.
- I’m single.
- I’m married, but don’t wear a wedding ring because it would interfere with playing my instrument.
- If I were single, you could do me any time you want.
- I don’t recall saying that.
- I don’t recall doing that.
- If you go across the street to Brown Brothers Ford and try to drive a hard bargain like this, they’ll throw you off the lot. You’re getting the best deal around.
- We don’t pay overtime because we don’t have the budget for it.
- It’s been a pleasure having you work here and we’re sorry to see you go.
The banner photograph shows the town of Britannia Beach, BC, Canada, where I grew up. It's home. But I don't live there anymore.
I’m going to have to think hard and remember which ones you told me. The thing that scares me is, I’ve heard a lot of these from other people.
indie,
looks like we’re going to have a few laughs next time when we compare notes, cuz like I said, each one has a story behind it – or rather, some can be grouped together into one…
I think I’ve heard a couple of those too. I am guilty of using ‘I’d love to, but…’ Someone once said that where there’s a ‘but’ in a sentence then everything before the ‘but’ is a lie.
heidi,
sounds like a good theory to me.
Here’s a couple more common ones:
Police: “Calm down, we’re just here to help you”
Wife/Girlfriend: “Don’t be silly, honey, size doesn’t matter.”
I’m sure I’ve heard everyone of those “steaming piles” you listed as well as the two John supplied. But as they say, “there’s anew sucker born every minute”.
This would top most guys’ list of “Lies I’ve told myself”
“You’re so handsome, I bet you’re one of those men who gets better-looking with age. ”
But I’m sure neither you nor I fit into that category.
Right?
–V