Definitely Not The Daily News freelance reporter Daisy Confuse spent most of New Year’s Eve in a Hamburg bunker in an effort to keep from getting shot, emerging shortly before midnight into what appeared to be a war zone. We salute her work in filing this story despite the most difficult of circumstances.
by Daisy Confuse
Hamburg (DNTN) A cousin of Berlin Zoo polar bear sensation Knut has been found dead this morning, an apparent victim of German New Year’s Eve mayhem.
“He must have been shot through the chest with a stray rocket,” said Hamburg police spokesman Helmut Askew. “There was no point in even trying to revive the poor bastard. He was done for.”
The loveable Knut’s
brown yet still cuddly cuz fell victim to a New Year tradition in Germany, which consists of setting alight an entire year’s pent-up environmental hypocrisy in an orgy of fire, smoke, noxious fumes, noise and filth. Efforts to convince Germans that polluting their neighbourhoods with toxic waste which eventually seeps into groundwater and fouls lakes, streams and rivers have fallen on deaf ears.
“Just fuck off, OK?” said one reveller three minutes before midnight. “I spent €300 on this overpriced crap, and I’ll be damned if anyone tells me I can’t have a little fun and help make this place look like the aftermath of…uhh…. World War Two.”
Germans spend hundreds of millions of euros every New Year on fireworks, firecrackers, screamers, sparklers, twirlers and various other items that go whizz-bang and make the kiddies go ooh-ahh. News reports of idiots shooting off their fingers or losing an eyeball are as traditional as waking up with a hangover. In addition to the human cost, taxpayers foot the bill for city workers to come out on overtime to sweep up the debris, but they never get it all. After the ice melts, for example, the garbage stays in lakes forever.
In a telephone interview from his pen at the Berlin Zoo, Knut said he was saddened by the death of his cousin, but added he took solace in knowing his fake furball friend died for a good cause.
“If this brought fun to someone, and some profit to someone else, what’s the problem?” he said.
Asked if he was going to be able to attend the funeral, Knut said he had other plans.
“Contact my agent,” he said, harfing down a dead fish. “I’m going to be in a movie soon, so I’m brushing up on my lines. I really don’t have the time for stuff like that.”
The editors and writers of Definitely Not The Daily News would like to wish you a Happy New Year anyway.
© 2008 lettershometoyou