Definitely Not The Daily News freelance reporter Daisy Confuse spent most of New Year’s Eve in a Hamburg bunker in an effort to keep from getting shot, emerging shortly before midnight into what appeared to be a war zone. We salute her work in filing this story despite the most difficult of circumstances.
by Daisy Confuse
Hamburg (DNTN) A cousin of Berlin Zoo polar bear sensation Knut has been found dead this morning, an apparent victim of German New Year’s Eve mayhem.
“He must have been shot through the chest with a stray rocket,” said Hamburg police spokesman Helmut Askew. “There was no point in even trying to revive the poor bastard. He was done for.”
The loveable Knut’s brown yet still cuddly cuz fell victim to a New Year tradition in Germany, which consists of setting alight an entire year’s pent-up environmental hypocrisy in an orgy of fire, smoke, noxious fumes, noise and filth. Efforts to convince Germans that polluting their neighbourhoods with toxic waste which eventually seeps into groundwater and fouls lakes, streams and rivers have fallen on deaf ears.
“Just fuck off, OK?” said one reveller three minutes before midnight. “I spent €300 on this overpriced crap, and I’ll be damned if anyone tells me I can’t have a little fun and help make this place look like the aftermath of…uhh…. World War Two.”
Germans spend hundreds of millions of euros every New Year on fireworks, firecrackers, screamers, sparklers, twirlers and various other items that go whizz-bang and make the kiddies go ooh-ahh. News reports of idiots shooting off their fingers or losing an eyeball are as traditional as waking up with a hangover. In addition to the human cost, taxpayers foot the bill for city workers to come out on overtime to sweep up the debris, but they never get it all. After the ice melts, for example, the garbage stays in lakes forever.
In a telephone interview from his pen at the Berlin Zoo, Knut said he was saddened by the death of his cousin, but added he took solace in knowing his fake furball friend died for a good cause.
“If this brought fun to someone, and some profit to someone else, what’s the problem?” he said.
Asked if he was going to be able to attend the funeral, Knut said he had other plans.
“Contact my agent,” he said, harfing down a dead fish. “I’m going to be in a movie soon, so I’m brushing up on my lines. I really don’t have the time for stuff like that.”
The editors and writers of Definitely Not The Daily News would like to wish you a Happy New Year anyway.
© 2008 lettershometoyou
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The banner photograph shows the town of Britannia Beach, BC, Canada, where I grew up. It's home. But I don't live there anymore.
The most perfect post. Hope you don’t mind, but I’ve passed on a reference to it in my blog today.
Bears are such prima donnas aren’t they?
Is Knut related to Rupert Everett?
lilalia – don’t mind if you do at all. Thanks!
simonelli: welcome and Happy New Year! I like your Rupert reference. Used to get a new Rupert book every year for Christmas. I liked the part where you coloured in the frames using just water.
Greetings Ian,
Thanks for this provocative post. It would seem that environmental consciousness doesn’t exist when it comes to partying and that’s really shameful.
Ian dude,
What is this Teutonic obsession with industrial strength fireworks at New Year’s eve? In Norway, they blow thousands of NOKs of the stuff off.. the military grade stuff that requires a license in other countries is sold by the crate here in supermarkets to minors and alcoholics. By midnight, there is usually some Knut (anagram) pointing one in your effin face! I think the cousin probably did it, violence is usually a family affair!
BB
P.S. Love the new look, esp. the piccy!
Beaver! Your compliments are most welcome, but the anagram is a mystery. Tnku? Tunk? Unkt? Didn’t you also mean that they are sold by the crate to minors BY alcoholics? In any event, I’d love to check out that corner of Teutomania again. When, oh when, are you going to post photos of Norway Most Fair?
Fireworks – I’ve never liked them except in big professional public displays. It’s always seemed crazy to me to hand a kid a handful of gunpowder. Of course as I get older the reasons behind my antipathy changes. I was actually quite frightened of them when very young. Now I find myself disapproving of anti-social teenagers. And bleating on about how my dogs run around barking when the fireworks go off and I can’t hear the frigging TV.
Bwahahahahaha!
Meanwhile, rumours have been circulating among Berlin’s large immigrant bear population that the attack may have been racially motivated.
“They only do this to brown bear, never white bear,” said a large, grizzled male from Turkmenistan, who would only give his name as Suleiman. “Why police not making questions to Neo-Nazi giraffes from Potsdam? I come Berlin for escaping Moscow circus. Now I afraid to let my children play outside. Is very sad.”
It’s discrimination against Canadian-German immigrants, that’s what it is. First they came for Brut, then they will come for you. Don’t kid yourself.
Oh my. Three years ago my American husband experienced German New Year’s celebrations for the first time. A friend of mine lives on the upper floor of an apartment building in Cologne, overlooking the city and the fireworks are quite an impressive spectacle from that vantage point. Personally I have always loved them, there is something magical about watching them, and I like how everyone gets together in the streets at midnight. However, the night that my husband was there he pretty much freaked out when he realized that crackers were fired only a few feet away from our car. I assured him that his car would be fine but he raced down eight flights of stairs and yelled at the people who had taken their place next to his car which quickly got covered in all sorts of debris. I knew that it looked a lot worse than it was, and that it would all come off easily and without leaving a scratch. Which it did. But to this date my husband shakes his head at us crazy Germans for doing such reckless things.
The aftermath in the streets is not pretty, but – at least in Cologne – it gets all cleaned up within a couple of days. And this is nothing compared to what it will be like during Carnival in Jan/Feb! Germans don’t wear their emotions on their sleeves, and I guess that’s why we love these crazy events during which we just let go and release ourselves. Which unfortunately also means that it brings out the worst in some. Growing up in Cologne I used to love the vivacious, colorful and sociable aspects of New Years and Carnival, but having lived away from Germany for almost 17 years I understand how people look at some of our traditions in horrified disbelief. But just like the speed limit on the Autobahn, the fireworks and the costumes are inherent elements of our culture.
BrownAmazon: You’re hired for our next assignment! Your on-the-spot reporting skills are second to none.
DrSteve: watching TV on New Years Eve? Oi, how far we’ve come…
Rain: we will be watching for Knut: The Movie and be giving regular updates.:-)
Kerstin: you’re right – I doubt if this tradition is going to go away anytime soon. About the car: we always park it on the street, and one year a bunch of yahoos set off a bunch of blasters on the hood. Nowadays, even if I’m not working on the 31st, I drive it to the office and park it in the lot there overnight.
This is a fabulous post!
I made a ‘de-lurking’ resolution this year, so this is me de-lurking to say hello and to thank you for entertaining me with your great writing over the past couple of months. I find your insights into this strange and crazy place I now call home very amusing.
P.S. I like your new look.
Heliospheric – Glad to be a beneficiary of your New Year’s resolution! BTW, if you’ve only been lurking for a couple of months, then maybe you missed this blog’s other Knut Nonsense. Come to think of it, might as well stick in that link in an edit.:-)
Happy new year, Ian. Glad you didn’t go the way of Knut’s cuzin on New Year’s Eve. I hope none of your children’s stuffed animals were harmed in the making of this post ; – ).
Excellent post!