We have once again roused our reporter out of hibernation for another Definitely Not the Daily News world exclusive.
By Kathy Kitzler
Hamburg (DNTN) Former US Attorney General John Ashcroft has suffered what appears to be a heart attack while on a personal visit to the northern German port city of Hamburg.
Ashcroft, whose brilliant career at the US Justice Department included having a statue’s naked boobs covered up so he wouldn’t be photographed in front of it at press conferences, keeled over just as he was about to enter the tropical aquarium exhibit at Hamburg’s zoo.
“There’s this funny-looking house-like thingy outside the entrance with all this carved wood and stuff,” said a family friend. “John’s a little short-sighted, so he got up on tippy-toes to get a closer look. Poor bastard had a seizure right on the spot.”
The temple was hand-made in Nepal using ancient woodcarving techniques. It is dedicated to Lord Shiva, one of the principal deities of Hinduism. 
“That Cheever guy must have been one sick and depraved bastard as well,” said a weakened Ashcroft in a telephone interview from his hospital room, adding he thought the temple’s location couldn’t be worse.
“Imagine putting full-colour carvings of people engaged in such disgusting and immoral acts right in plain view at the entrance to a zoo, right where all those kiddies walk by!
What the hell is wrong with German people, anyway?“
The temple has been standing for nearly five years at the entrance to Hagenbeck’s, famous for being the first zoo in the world to come up with the idea of displaying animals in natural settings rather than cages.
Witnesses say they never noticed anything unusual about the building until the Ashcroft incident.
“It’s a good thing he wasn’t watching the boob tube,” said one 10-year-old zoo visitor. “You see this sort of thing on TV all the time here.”
Antipodean reaction to Ashcroft’s apparent angina attack was swift and decisive.
“That’s it, I’m headed to Hamburg,” said one well-known Australian nurse and blogger, adjusting her corset while logging on to a travel website. “I just love all those cute little figurines and stuff. Do you think they’d let me make a few plaster casts?”
© 2008 lettershometoyou
John who? And whilst you answer that.. I am just popping out to the Zoo.
Yeah, Ashcroft is way off the radar screen – but not mine!
I tried to stifle my guffaw, but I couldn’t.
Thank you immensely.
The BBC did manage to snag a shot of the statue’s breast, though- http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4623239.stm
That picture’s all over. Wonderful.
Cheers from New York!
OBVIOUSLY I clicked on the pictures so I could see the larger view of these “works of art”…and when I did that, holy crap: what was up with all the multi-tasking? Like the one statue chick was like washing a dish or something whilst getting humped, and then the other one was washing her hair mid-hump? That’s a sign of a very advanced and efficient culture….
PS: WHY can’t I go to the Metro Toronto Zoo and get a similar amount of cultural education? Sigh…
oh my… you took the words right out of my mouth. Germany here I come….
Romi,
The Toronto Zoo would probably cover them up with sensible shorts.
Bylandl – do you have a blog to link back to? Thanks for the BBC link, btw!
Nurse, how could I behold this work of art and not think of your cute little carvings?
Brilliant!