26
Jun
09

Michael Jackson dead at 50. Fans in mourning. Jackson Five reunion tour to go ahead as planned.

A Definitely Not the Daily News semi-exclusive

Los Angeles (DNDN) Enigmatic, eccentric entertainment eminence Michael Jackson exited earth earlier today, sending distraught fans of the pop singer, moonwalking inventor and Plastic Surgery Fail icon into a frenzy of mourning.

“I’m down here to show….just how much I loved him,” blubbered Christie Anderson, 42, of Mountain View, California outside the singer’s Neverland ranch.  “He’s now out of my life, but not my heart.”

Michael Jackson Live tour website

Sales of flowers, teddy bears, frilly hearts and other nauseating knick-knacks in a 50-mile radius of the singer’s California hideaway have skyrocketed as fans fight to bring whatever they can to lay at the front gates.

One woman stopped beating her chest and tearing her hair out long enough to complain of how area stores were price-gouging.

“They wanted 50 bucks for a key chain at the 7-11 just down the road,” said one middle-aged woman who declined to give her name.  “I bought it anyway, cuz y’know, just imagine being caught on YouRube showing up here with nothing to give.  It’d be unthinkable.”

One nearby 7-11 employee said stocks had already been depleted in the wake of the death of Farrah Fawcett only a day before.

“It’s supply and demand.  Everyone’s doing it,” said 7-11 stockboy Pim P. Lee from behind the counter. ” See that rack of scandal sheets over there?  You think they’re not going to make a killing in sales over this as well?”

Millions of fans who purchased tickets for Jackson’s sold-out This is It comeback tour in London are now being asked to return them for refund.

“We thought of presenting a hologram, doubling the price, and calling it Michael Jackson That was That,” said Jackson publicist James J. Goff, “but that would be about as tasteless and insensitive as posting a fake Jackson news piece within hours of his death.  We’re asking everyone to at least give it a 24-hour grace period.”

Organisers of a planned Jackson Five reunion tour scheduled to get under way in March, 2010 say they’re still going to go ahead with the show, despite the death of the former quintet’s most famous member.

“Michael would have liked it that way,” said brother Jermaine Jackson from his home in Los Angeles.  “Sales were strong, but we’re sure to get a sellout now that prices have been slashed by 20%.”


29 Responses to “Michael Jackson dead at 50. Fans in mourning. Jackson Five reunion tour to go ahead as planned.”


  1. June 26, 2009 at 8:17 am

    “but that would be about as tasteless and insensitive as posting a fake Jackson news piece within hours of his death. We’re asking everyone to at least give it a 24-hour grace period.”

    Cute!

    I suspect that my ambivalence toward Michael Jackson will turn into a distinct dislike over the course of the next several days–the media’s coverage is going to be far more intense than it actually deserves.

  2. June 26, 2009 at 8:23 am

    This is an outrage you know… if it wasn’t for Michael, how many people out there wouldn’t know how to beat it? You should give him his due.

    Geez.

  3. June 26, 2009 at 9:04 am

    Hey Jackson fans. Save the grief for people in your life you actually know. Like, personally.

  4. 4 Jul
    June 26, 2009 at 9:39 am

    I’m with Adam on this one.

  5. June 26, 2009 at 10:41 am

    “Pim P. Lee”?

    Wish I’d thought of that

  6. 6 indeterminacy
    June 26, 2009 at 11:33 am

    I miss the Jackson Five, but I did that even with Michael Jackson alive.

  7. 7 Khaled
    June 26, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    Man, I learned to beat “it” long before Mikey came!!!

  8. June 26, 2009 at 8:13 pm

    By gods your commentors are a tough lot. Regardless of what you think of Micheal, the poor fellow has lost his life…

    • June 26, 2009 at 8:27 pm

      Predictions for the funeral set for next Thursday: A song specially re-written for the occasion to be sung for the first time by… Madonna?

      And hey, it’ll be good for the economy – a real job-creator for the Jackson impersonator industry. Worked for Elvis, didn’t it?

  9. June 26, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    Like a candle in the wind…

  10. 12 Khaled
    June 26, 2009 at 8:50 pm

    hmmm… will Madonna do the itchy-crotch dance routine his Majesty was so fond of? It would be … befitting so say the least…

  11. June 26, 2009 at 10:25 pm

    Did I ever tell that I love your humor?

  12. 14 Amanda
    June 27, 2009 at 2:15 am

    Looks like Uncle Mo has fallen off the wagon again, but I have to give him props – he’s right. I think we all love you(r humor) maaan.

    What I want to know is what are they going to do with the “body” once they’re done, um, looking through it? (I know you have inside sources Ian, so don’t keep the details all to yourself) Can’t burn it – too many toxic substances in there and CA has strict emissions standards…Can’t bury it – see previous concern, add CA has strict ground water seepage standards. The not-knowing is almost killing me!

  13. June 27, 2009 at 8:15 am

    they could make a diamond out of his body Amanda. Or shoot it out into space…..

    http://www.cracked.com/article_16858_6-coolest-things-you-can-do-with-your-dead-body.html

    • June 27, 2009 at 2:35 pm

      I hope it’s an ash-scattering at sea so his grave doesn’t turn into the circus which is Jim Morrison’s final resting place in Paris. What an awful mess it is, sprawled with layers of grafitti and from morning to night full of over-wrought fans not even alive when he died.

  14. June 27, 2009 at 2:40 pm

    You think his nose would burn properly?

  15. June 28, 2009 at 11:06 am

    mmmm it’s as if his death has made me forget the seriously strange freaky Michael and remember only the joy of being a new teenager and buying Thriller. Any sadness is as much for the long lost Michael as it is for the loss of my 13 year old self. . .

    • June 28, 2009 at 12:20 pm

      I never owned one of his albums, was never a fan of his music, but looking back at the onslaught of obituaries showing clips of his work, man…forgotten how great a talent he really was in his prime. To say he could sing and dance is like saying Pele could play football.

  16. June 28, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    “said 7-11 stockboy Pim P.Lee from behind the counter”

    You outta be ashamed of yourself. :)

  17. June 29, 2009 at 1:36 am

    Anybody that had half a brain knew he was headed for a dirt nap anytime. I find the public displays of grief nauseating. Forget Jackson, what’s happening in Iran is much more serious…ciao

  18. June 29, 2009 at 7:46 am

    Actually, that is probably close to real news as definitely not.

    A local friend woke up the morning following Jackson’s death and tweeted, “Michael Jackson is dead? How long have I been asleep?” I replied “At least 20 years”. Seriously.

  19. 25 Khaled
    June 29, 2009 at 10:12 pm

    For those interested in the real Whacko Jacko story, arte, the German/French culture channel, is airing a documentary on his paedophile affairs, his supposed bankruptcy and other stuff on the 9th of July at about 22h00 or 22h30. I just saw the first airing of the piece, and I am quite shocked to say the least.

  20. July 1, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    we gonna miss Michael…

  21. July 7, 2009 at 4:28 am

    As a child, I grew up listening to Michael and the Jackson 5…. but as a young adult, I was never a big Michael Jackson fan (- and especially after all the allegations began),
    I liked most of his music, though – because, lets face it, his music had a real universal catchy beat…. and even some of us who may not have been into his style of pop music probably had one or two songs that we could find ourselves singing along with or tapping our foot to…
    The other night -I was supposed to be doing some research work- but I came upon a link to a recent news report on Jackson…. and one story lead to another and I found myself reading about his career and all the different realities of his life…and although through the years I was guilty of judging him and sometimes really disliking him due to all the media /press reports that came out about him, I now have to say that even though there were some behaviors that cannot be excused and actions (that he did acknowledge) that were much too borderline for comfort, and though I may not be sure what is truth and what is not with all the stories….
    He was NOT found guilty of the original allegations and we have to try and respect that, that’s what our legal system is supposed to be built on -“innocent until proven guilty”- As a matter of fact, many of the accusers were later found to have only financial motives…and many times, he truly was a very easy target because he was, indeed, so eccentric in many ways. This seemed to really strike a cord of how very terrible the world can be for some individuals, that from a young age…he was ridiculed and sometimes beat…and pretty much forced as a child into the limelight. In one interview, he spoke quietly of how his father considered him the ‘golden boy’, and yet was extremely abusive, both verbally and physically. His own father told him he was ugly and that his nose was too big (compared to the father I guess) and later in his adolescence, he had problems with acne and his father again constantly made fun of him and so Michael got to the point that he would only wash his face in the dark because he did not want to see his reflection in the mirror…. he was very troubled even as a teenager…. and no one heard his cries. He also spoke of how he never had a childhood and could not even go out and do normal things as other children did…and with his stardom quickly increasing, as he grew from a boy to man, his isolation increased as well. He became the target of every tabloid and at the peak of his career, he could literally go nowhere without extreme fan frenzies and mobs of people ready to ‘attack’ – at one point, the police in LA pleaded with him to stay home. He was asked when he felt the loneliest, and he said, there were times, sitting in hotel rooms during his tours…and hundreds of people would be outside, right outside his window almost, screaming his name and yelling and cheering…. but there he sat all alone, not able to be with people, not able to step outside and with very few true friends to even call, and it was at these times he sat quietly and cried. The irony of that, hundreds of people all shouting, I Love You, MJ!! And yet he was not only all alone, but incredibly lonely as well.
    So, I thought about how one struggle lead to another for him, and although he continued to perform as he was born to do, molded to do, and the only thing he ever knew to do…. he suffered tremendously from his stardom and fame. And yet he remained a very quiet, loving peaceful person, never vengeful towards anyone. Always speaking of peace.
    Did a once young, very talented boy, have trouble with the transition to the adult world and did the realities and pain that can come with talent and success eventually wear on this fellow human being?? Did some of his problems evolve from childhood abuse?
    Did pressures in his life push him over the edge? Every person has a story to tell and every person has his or her own limits – each person’s resiliency is as individual as a fingerprint. We may never know the whole truth of Michael Jackson’s REAL life and whether he is guilty OR not of any accusations, but we are not the ones to judge and only God knows… I think maybe this was another reminder to be less quick to judge – leave that to God – and go with only what we know first hand.
    So, I say, after all my reading, what if we focus on all the good that this artist contributed with his music? the good offered with the messages in so many of his songs and his constant financial contributions to needs all over the world?? So I say, Michael Jackson, RIP as well.

    (writing from somewhere in the middle of Germany :)


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