13
Jan
11

International Day to Bite Me

I don’t know whether it’s because I stopped drinking coffee a few months ago, or passed the half-century mark a few months earlier, but nothing seems to bother me much anymore.   Not that I just let everything slide, but in dealing with obnoxious people or situations I’ve become a lot more mellow.  What’s the point of getting all in a lather anyway?  In most cases where you get all pissed off at someone or something, there two things at work: the situation and your reaction to it.   Only one of those is entirely in your control.

Nevertheless, there is something to be said about venting, in real life or right here.  So here goes.  Thank you, Deutschland über Elvis, he of the carefully worded, well-researched and always entertaining  posts on matters personal and cultural: may the third annual International Day to Bite Me be the success it deserves to be.

Ahem.

To the driver who honked and brayed at me from his rolled-down window because I was cycling with the traffic on the road instead of dodging pedestrians, spaced-out shoppers, dogshit and various obstructions found all too often on Hamburg’s laughably inadequate cycling path “network” – BITE ME!  Where the hell did you get your license, anyway?  It’s legal to ride on the road unless there’s a circular blue sign with a bike on it telling you otherwise.

To the pedestrian who yelled at me because I wasn’t on the cycling path but on the sidewalk because the cycling path is covered in tons of slippery grit left over from Hamburg’s spectacular failure to remove the December snows, not to mention the piles of filth left over from New Year’s Eve fireworks mayhem: BITE ME!

To the millions of brain-addled Germans who in an annual three-day orgy of mindless, wasteful consumerism spend upwards of 120 million frickin’ euros on fireworks for New Year’s leaving a heaving mess behind for weeks, months and years afterward – they NEVER clean it all up: BITE ME!

To the driver who assumed I was a jobless bum simply because I was cycling at noontime on a weekday: don’t you know some of us work shifts, full-time?  BITE ME!

To the grocery store nitwit who feels it’s his duty to tell me to put the items back in an orderly fashion on the shelf because “es gehört dazu” – BITE ME!  Do you have a cellphone?  Next time you see a federal crime in process, call a cop!

To the awful, pinched-faced cow supervising security at Gatwick Airport: lose the psycho bullshit!  Yes, your minions discovered a battery-powered iPod charger in my hand luggage and they –  in their ignorance of modern consumer technology – have every right to take every soiled piece of underwear out to inspect, rifle through every book, test every cranny for explosives and take apart and run the charger through a scanner a third time, but please: don’t stare at me for minutes on end while assuming some sort of accusatory tone when you ask me the routine questions.  Oh, and I almost forgot: BITE ME!


13 Responses to “International Day to Bite Me”


  1. January 13, 2011 at 2:54 am

    omg!! I couldn’t have said it better myself… I love it! Thanks for being you! Great blog!

  2. January 13, 2011 at 7:14 am

    My oh my! I could start a Bite me! list a mile long. Don’t tempt me. lol :D

  3. 3 Meenakshi
    January 13, 2011 at 9:39 am

    hey ian long time no see! based on your bite me blog, i thought you might be interested in this article:

    http://www.economist.com/node/17722567

    enjoy.

    meenakshi

    • January 13, 2011 at 10:30 am

      Hi Meenakshi! I think you have it. I read that in their Christmas double issue and it’s so true.

      So HH – if you’ve read the article – since you’re even further past 46 than I, what say you?

  4. January 13, 2011 at 10:11 am

    My, my…you ARE grumpy. Well, you can bite me.

    Love, THH

  5. 6 G
    January 13, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    I agree with the article- is it from the Life begins at 50 edition? and I have posted that a few times. Not to say that the youthful willingness to go to the wall doesn’t serve a purpose, but getting past it is helpful too.
    I agree with your grumps!

  6. January 13, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    Hilarious! What is it with the German’s and fireworks on New Years Eve? We were in Berlin a couple of years ago for New Year and they just go Goddamned bonkers. Elderly suited men launching bazooka-like crackers at pedestrians, grannies throwing fire bombs. It’s as if they throw off that German reserve for one night and go completely nuts.

  7. January 13, 2011 at 11:09 pm

    I got so interested in the linked articles I almost forgot to say hello. And from my 64-and-counting perspective, that U-bend article makes sense. Not only that, the older I get the easier it is to tell someone to “Bite Me!”. And that makes me even happier. ;-)

  8. 9 Michele J
    January 14, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    I hadn’t seen the Economist article and really enjoyed it, thanks. I guess I’m still on the downward part of the curve although I have more financial independence and freedom with my time than I did when I was 20. Is it possible to be a grumpy optimist?

  9. January 15, 2011 at 9:21 am

    It’s been a few years since I was 46, Ian. And I’m still waiting for my mood to improve.

  10. January 17, 2011 at 8:19 am

    Bite you where? On the bottom?

  11. January 18, 2011 at 3:09 am

    Brilliant! I’m sorry I missed Bite Me Day – I suppose I’ll have to wait another year until the next one.


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