20
Dec
11

House listing withdrawn as forest animals wreak havoc

A central Hamburg real estate listing has been withdrawn after forest animals were discovered gnawing away at the newly built house.  A black bear and two raccoons were found ploughing their snouts into the exterior trim as owners Wolfgang and Hildegudrun Schmeddlapp returned today from a woodcutting expedition.

“We couldn’t believe it,” wailed Herr Schmeddlapp.  “By the time we got home, they’d already eaten the door, window shutters, half of one side of the roof, and nearly an entire wall!”

The Smeddlapps, a Swabian back-to-the-land farming couple from Stuttgart, say they’d put their life savings into the house.  “Work-work-build-a-house.  That’s what they always told us to do in life.  It’s all gone now,” moaned Frau Schmedlapp. “Just look at the place.  We might as well have invested in Greek bonds for all it’s come to.”

Wildlife experts say it’s highly unusual for black bears to come out of hibernation to feed.

“They usually store up a lot for the winter,” said Bea Lotto of the Hamburg Tierschutzvereinunddingsbums.  “What we want to find out is why a house made with ginger and molasses, glued together with a mixture of egg white and icing sugar and decorated with Smarties, Gummy bears and those awful round things you get from Aldi around Christmas would attract bear and raccoon.  It’s a mystery.”

A banding found on one of the raccoons may give a clue to its origins and behaviour.

“If you look closely at the leg of that fellow up there on the left, he’s wearing an ID bracelet,” said Lotto.  “It’s highly unusual for a Waschbaer – err, sorry, raccoon – to be tagged.  It might be a clue he’s from Munich.  We’ll have to do a scat sample to check for Weisswurscht just to be sure, though.”


12 Responses to “House listing withdrawn as forest animals wreak havoc”


  1. 1 hmunro
    December 20, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    HILARIOUS, wonderful, brilliant! It’s not often a blog post makes me laugh out loud — several times. I loved everything from your descriptions of The Smeddlapps (“a Swabian back-to-the-land farming couple from Stuttgart”) to your appropriately long made-up word (“Tierschutzvereinunddingsbums”) to your description of “those horrible round things you get from Aldi.” I feel like I’m back in Germany. Vielen Dank !

  2. December 21, 2011 at 6:37 am

    I know I’m missing a joke or two because of the language/culture business. But I get the Greek bonds, and trust me – I know The Smeddlapps. I’ll bet they dry their own heirloom seeds, too.

    This is such a wonderful sequel…

    I was surprised to learn about Aldi’s. When my mom lived in the Kansas City area she would shop a discount grocery named Aldi’s. I’ve never seen it anywhere else and had no idea it was based in Germany.

  3. December 21, 2011 at 11:49 am

    Now could you not have fitted in a “bears and racoons being treated like Schleich” reference somewhere?
    Great story. It’s the most German news I think I have read all year.

  4. December 21, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    Brilliant. Thank you for sharing. Wildlife, gingerbread, Aldi – what more could you ask for?

  5. December 25, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Yes, to all the above. A most excellent follow up! LOL

  6. December 25, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    Merry Xmas Ian. I really like those house eating animals

  7. December 27, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    Just too funny – should have been “Fresh Pressed”

    • December 27, 2011 at 8:31 pm

      Thanks, mouse! You can put in a good word for me if you like. Somehow, though, I think I’m on a do-not-publish list there. Either that or you only get one chance, and that was ages ago.

      @nurse – Merry Christmas to you, too! BTW, your comments are still landing in spam. Time to get on the wordpress forums and ask why?

      @jennifer – thanks for the mention one more time. :)

  8. December 28, 2011 at 10:28 am

    I think you’re right. If this comment goes straight to spam I’ll do that….

  9. December 28, 2011 at 10:29 am

    Looks like I’m in the clear ;-)


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