Has political correctness and touchy-feely taken over Halloween? I thought they were kidding at first:
Well, if it’s serious, then this works both ways, and I think the message should get out to kids, too.
They cannot just barge onto my property and come up my steps and and stand before my door to scream Trick or Treat!
I find Trick or Treat to be a rude, nasty, mean and hurtful expression of juvenile greed, and I’ve suffered for it each and every year. But this Halloween, that’s it. Unless the kids ring the doorbell and calmly – but in a firm voice – ask for their candy, they won’t be getting any. Here’s the handout, kiddies. You still have a few hours to learn it.
“We, the gathered children of your neighbourhood dressed as we are in costumes which may or may not be the genuine product of our own handiwork, the work of our parents, or older siblings, or more than likely made in China and purchased at inflated prices at Wal-Mart, would like to politely request that you provide us, free or charge and without prejudice or right of redress, with a surgary confection of your choosing, either store-bought or homemade. Failing that, we would be prepared to perform, again, without right of redress and free of artists’ royalties, a simple dance, sing a song, or tell a joke. Should we opt for a joke, said joke will not contain elements harmful to any person or identifiable group. The song, should we elect to sing it, is guaranteed not to be by Chris Brown, hero to some very sick people. Thank you.”
I think that’s got a snappy enough ring to it, don’t you? And it certainly levels the playing field.
The banner photograph shows the town of Britannia Beach, BC, Canada, where I grew up. It's home. But I don't live there anymore.
Well, I’m traveling and wasn’t at home for this Halloween, but trust me – this is going in the files for next year. I’m afraid the original be-kind-to-kids notice probably was real. I just saw on the news that PETA is demanding a sign be posted at an accident site, memorializing some hundreds of fish who died there. The world’s going bloody crazy.
I’m sure those fish were fine, upstanding members of their school, and are still fine: ground up as fertilizer.
We used to give out if we didn’t get MONEY when we were terrorizing the neighbours! It was in a village of 11 houses though, we knew them all by name and they probably knew us, even through the ripped-up bed sheets covered in fake blood, seeing as there were only five kids in the village at the time. They didn’t take any chances. They gave us treats every time.
Terrorists in training! Though we had more houses than yours, mine was still a village where everyone knew everyone else more or less. Halloween was a round of trick-or-treating followed by a town party in the “upper clubroom” where kids would get judged on their costumes. One year my older brother and a friend of his went down to the States – or was it just Vancouver? – can’t remember, but anyway, they came back with a suitcase full of bricks and bricks of firecrackers. He gave me and my friends a brick to blow off and we didn’t waste much time at it. What a riot. It was like bringing a case of whiskey to a logging camp. The whole town was in an uproar that Halloween. Nowadays you’d probably get put in jail for giving explosives to kiddies. We were lucky to grow up in that era.
Trick or treating is starting to take off in Australia but it’s not huge yet. My favourite halloween visit came from a bunch of aboriginal kids who didn’t care enough to dress up. they just presented me with a basket of kittens and (mock) threatened to leave them on my doorstep if I didn’t cough up the candy
Kittens? You should have said: is that a threat or a promise?