kiss and ridezone

Welcome to Germany, a country desperately in need of some sort of language police. Maybe not rabidly nationalistic Quebec-style language police, but someone to remind them they have a language of their own, and that it would be a good idea to use it on signs once in a while.

Already you can see the confusion a sign like this must cause. Kiss is pretty easy, but then they have to figure out what a ridezone is. At first glance I thought it was some term I’d learned and forgotten while failing 9th-grade biology.

Besides, if you take the German underneath - and you’d assume they should be reading it since it IS in their language - it means drivers are only allowed to stop for passengers to get in or out. I can see how kissing might lead to some ins ‘n’ outs and to some riding, but to make it all official like that and put it up on a sign topped off with an exclamation point? Takes all the fun out of it.

Still, it’s an improvement on the first German/English sign I ever read. I must have been eight years old. It was an old, yellowing xerox, taped, re-taped, curling at the edges and tacked on the wall above the massive photocopier in my Dad’s office. All I have to do is say one word of it and brother Gordon will get on a roll. So will my other brother, come to think of it.

ACHTUNG! ALLES LOOKSENPEEPERS!

Das maschine ist nicht fuer gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfuesen und poppencorken mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken ist OK, but keepen das cotton-pickenen hans in das pockets, relaxen and watchen das blinkenlights.

Variations and updates thereof available here.

Ten facts and opinions about Canada

Have a happy Canada Day. Or else.

1. If you were to lay the history of planet earth from its frothy formation to the present day on a timeline representing the 7,300 kilometres from Canada’s West to East coasts, Canada’s birthday - July 1, 1867 - would be about 10 centimetres from the Newfoundland shore.
2. I’ve never measured this for accuracy.
3. It’s easier to cycle across the country from West to East, but more rewarding to go East to West. Why? You always have the best part to look forward to.
4. Someday I want to try to do this.
5. To Albertans, BC is short for Beyond Canada.
6. Two Canadians meet an American in a bar. The American says to them: it’s cold up here. The Canadians say: Sure is.
7. That counts as humour in Edmonton.
8. Some claim that Brian Mulroney was Canada’s worst post-war Prime Minister, others say that title belongs to Pierre Elliott Trudeau.  Discuss.
9. It is a little-known Canadian fact that Jesus was not born anywhere near Victoria, BC because they could locate neither three wise men nor a virgin.
10. It’s often said that Canadians define themselves by what they are not: they aren’t Americans.  True, but we’re more like Americans than we like to admit.  We also have social problems, toxic waste dumps and looming environmental catastrophes, serial killers and wannabe rightwing talkshow dingbats. 

And now it’s time to say a special hello to all you hospital patients and shut-ins, those who can’t get out to the  game, hope you’ve enjoyed this Canada Day broadcast on CKNW.  

For more Canadian content, visit

Raincoaster

Beaverboosh

Mausi

Azahar

Expatraveler

Wandering Coyote

timethief 

Canadada

Romi41

Brown Amazon

Zoom (aka knitnut)

Rositta

plus that unforgettable K-Tel advertisement staple: and many more.

A few bloggers I’d like to meet, but maybe not in the sauna.

For personal reasons it was lucky that I was unable to attend the 2006 Whiney Expat Bloggers’ meetup in Bonn, but to make up for it I had a great time with many of Germany’s English-language bloggers in Dresden last year.

Now that we’re all having to decide where to meet up in 2008, you may be forced to get out a map to find the town of Wiesbaden because the voting seems to be headed in that direction. Wiesbaden? Where? What? And perhaps above all: why Wiesbaden?

Is it because the place is famous for and dominated by a huge spa?  Do you realise that if we were to meet in Wiesbaden and not go to the spa, it would be like squeezing into a small diner for lunch never once mentioning that 800-pound gorilla plopped down in the corner?

And of course you all know by now about German spa and sauna etiquette, right? I know some of us like to bare all online, but…

Anyway, I haven’t heard much of the place, so I thought I’d ask my wife and favourite German for her opinion, seeing as how I was pretty sure she’d never been there before.

So have you ever been to Wiesbaden? Never.

What have you heard about Wiesbaden? Pretty, with rich people.

Why rich? It’s not that far from Frankfurt, but it’s smaller, - anyway, not nearly as ugly as Frankfurt.

What have you got against Frankfurt? It has no soul. It’s just business and banks.

Would you go to Wiesbaden? Why should I?

Well, there’s going to be a bloggers’ meetup there. At least that’s the way it seems to be going. Are you going to this meetup?

I’m asking the questions for now. If you were to pick one place in Germany you think we should meet, where would it be? Hamburg.

You can’t pick Hamburg. (laughs) OK, Leipzig or Weimar. They’re two cities I’m interested in getting to know.

By the way, I like your haircut. You look very good at the moment.

So there you have it. Hamburg balcony poll results confirm a swing in sentiment away from Wiesbaden and toward Leipzig or Weimar. Besides, how can you not trust the opinion of someone who makes an observation like that?

And now: A few bloggers I’d like to meet who weren’t there last year. Not a complete list and in no particular order:

• Charlotte of Charlotte’s Web. That is, if we don’t interfere with her novel-writing.
• Headbang8, the man behind Deutschland über Elvis
• Jen of HeisseScheisse. Yes, I know you were in Hamburg long enough for us to meet but it didn’t work out.
• Tatiana.
• Beaverboosh. He’s actually blogging from Norway, but being Canadian he gets a free pass, if not ticket.
• Cathy, the woman behind the blog and the book Planet Germany.
• Jul.
• Indie of Indeterminacy. OK, we’ve already met, but it would be great if he could attend.
• Click-clack gorilla.
• And last but not least, azahar, who is going through a rough time.

Oooh, kind of a stealth meme. How did that happen?

Blogging about blogging isn’t all that bad, is it?

Caution: 525-word ramble ahead.

A reader who sometimes emails in his comments rather than place them in the appropriate box had this to say about my recent post on how if I were to quit blogging, I’d do it My Way.

Not being a blogger, I’m not really qualified to comment about the content.  However, I’ve noted in general that I’m not fond of songs about singing, movies about movie-making, and blog posts about blogging kinda fall into the mold.  To be good, a blog poster must have a unique experience to share with the world, and the greatest blogs are like that.  Your friend the psych nurse is about as unique as they get.  You, as an expat small-town Canuck are similarly imbued with a perspective that lends itself to insights no-one else will have.

Blogging about blogging seems somehow to be merely filling space.  On the other hand, one of your best efforts was the 20 commandments one.  Like I say, not being a blogger, I’m not really qualified to comment about the content.

I agree with him up to a point.  It’s true you will never turn on the TV News to hear the announcer say: Today at an editorial meeting this station’s editors decided to place the item you are about to see two items down from the item you just saw because… well actually we had to decide it by an arm-wrestle followed by rock-paper-scissors, and Susan won.

The media doesn’t like to talk about itself or other media because it’s generally seen as navel-gazing.  Still, most every newspaper and newsmagazine has a media page where the trivialities of news personalities and media trends are written up and discussed.  The media also makes the news when it’s a big business story, and editorial content there is often brought up.

Unless of course you’re talking Richard Quest at CNN, where getting caught with in the park with your pants down and your wing-wang out and tied to a rope while snorting illegal pharma products won’t generate so much as a burp’s worth of mention down in Atlanta. 

So when a blogger blogs about blogging when his blog isn’t mainly about blogging but about getting down what’s going on in his head while living this Canadian-expat-in-Germany life so that one day when they drag what’s left of him out from under the wheels of a bus his wife, daughter and people closest to him will be able to say, “yeah, I really knew him…”  is that such a bad thing?

I don’t think so. 

If you’re talking about the process of doing this very public and at times very thought-provoking hobby - and a hobby is all it will ever be to me - you can’t help but want to discuss the things you go through.  So many issues come up, be they about relationships, online etiquette, joy, frustrations, fatigue, the learning process and so forth.

I realise it could get a bit repetitious, so I try to pace myself, but there’s simply so much going on while doing this, it can’t be just ignored. 

So forgive me if sometime over the next couple of days I post the third one in a row about blogging.  It’s just kind of built up to it. 

When I quit blogging, I’ll do it my way

I think it’s a sign of the times when one of the most passionate, committed bloggers out there mentions that Blogging Just Isn’t Fun Anymore.   In saying he’s Closing This Shit Down, another blogger says as he switches to Tumblr: WordPress is so 2006…  Comment fatigue, post burn-out, eyes glazed over as the feedreader spits out another 55 updates…

Have you thought about quitting blogging?  I have.  It’s going to happen sooner or later, so when it does, I want to be prepared.    This is about how I want to end it.  The last post.  The so-long-I’m-outta-here.  Not like some, who simply slink off and let their blogs die. 

When I quit blogging, I’ll do it My Way.  Perhaps I’ll link back to this very post.  So here’s a preview:

And now - the text is clear
And so I face - the final posting.
My friends - have left Facebook
Without a trace, of which I’m certain
I’ve blogged - a blog that’s full
I’ve followed each and every comment
No more. No more of this.
I’ve hit the high - way.

Trackbacks? I’ve had a few,
And linked to things - too dumb to mention
I’ve post’d ’bout - a lot of bull
About a life - of nervous tension.
I planned each post, of course
Each paragraph, each punctuation
But so… so bored to tears,
It’s time to go ‘way.

Yes, there were times - I posted shite
Just like that site, for those that arrrre white
But nonetheless, when I look back
I chewed it well, and spat it out,
I wrote it all, I had a ball,
Writing ev’ry day.

There’s more, but I simply can’t go on…
Take it away Sid:

Six-word memoir

Indie of Indeterminacy fame has asked me to post a photo and six words describing myself.

Here goes:

“Not altogether serious about this world.”

Daring you to try this. It’s not as easy as it looks.

The meme, I mean, not sticking a piggie atop your recently shaved head.

if facebook were real life

My Facebook usage has followed a path typical of millions:

Curiosity.

Sign-up.

Enthusiasm.

Disappointment.

Boredom.

Scrabulous.

Yep. After eight months, all I ever use it for is to play Scrabulous. Why? This will give you a clue. Enjoy.

ipod mini discovery stuns archaeologists

This Definitely Not the Daily News special report is dedicated to Azahar of casa az fame, who is today celebrating the start of her third year of blogging and who a few weeks back in the midst of a tech consumption frenzy stopped to ask me, “What’s an iPod mini?”

by Elmer Schmedlapp
Seattle (DNTN) A team of archaeologists is attempting to decipher the contents of a recently discovered iPod mini to see if knowledge contained on the ancient device can give scientists insights into lost technologies and long-forgotten music listening practices.

The mini, which apparently fell behind the bookshelf of Walla Walla, Washington resident Wanda Woodsworth while Woodsworth was out walking one wet Wednesday in winter, 2005, had been given up for lost ever since.

Woodsworth recovered the long-dead Apple product last week while moving furniture.

“It had been so long, I didn’t recognise it for what it was at first” said Wordsworth, “so I phoned the university. They got really excited, told me not to touch it until experts could identify it, then evaluate its contents. “

The mini was a sleek, brushed-metal device which first appeard in January, 2004. It was suddenly pulled from the market 20 months later by iPod maker Apple because its relatively small 4 or 6GB size and miniature hard drive storage system was deemed “so last Thursday” by a bunch of 20-something shitheads sitting around a table at Silicon Valley focus group session.

“It was like, meh, whatever, get rid of it, you know?” said Charles “Chuck” Biscuits, a group member. “We thought, hey, like, you know. Yeah.”

Apple abandoned the mini barely six months after releasing a second-generation model amid cries of protest from Apple store salespeople, who this reporter can assure you once told him the mini was the best iPod ever produced.

“It was such a perfect design, easy to read display, great heft to it in the palm of your hand,” said Apple store owner Filbert McNutt. “Sure their battery life sucked, but if it died, you still had one great-looking paperweight. We were selling them so fast, we couldn’t stock ‘em, and then - Bang! Gone. I forget what they even looked like.”

One scientist at the university lab where the mini is being dissected said her team is excited at what they might find on the ancient personal audio player.

“The world has just so moved on since 2004,” said researcher Marla Baverstock. “To think that the ancients were actually willing to pay good money for iPods with monochrome displays, no video capability, and a spinning hard drive! How utterly desperate those times must have been.”

Cultural anthropologists are also looking forward to analysing the song selection stored on the mini’s drive. They say it’s an artefact which will give clues as to how the world might have been enjoying some down time while contemplating the horror of another four years of the George W. Bush administration.

“It was a unique time for music, pop culture, and world history in general,” said ET cultural and sexual deviations beat reporter Adda Dictomy.

“The number of people with a close-up view of Britney Spears’ and Paris Hilton’s crotch was still in the low four figures instead of the billions now thanks to the Internet, Anna Nicole Smith was still trying to convince everybody that her years of wiping the bum of a billionaire 70 years her senior was out of sheer love, SUV drivers were bitching about gas prices half the level they’re at now and people living in trailer parks and working at Burger King were being flim-flammed into half-million dollar mortgages so they could live in their dream home for a few months, then have it pulled out from under them.

Gosh, those were the days.”

© 2008 lettershometoyou