Dear eBay seller,
Thanks very much for the fun times you’ve added to my online experience for the past seven weeks. It seems like only yesterday I was paying you €13.50 for my Amy Winehouse record, a disc I was really looking forward to playing.
But hey, I guess you’re a busy guy at that advertising and marketing firm you work for. I can understand if your answer to my quick payment was a 48-day wait for the record.
It also didn’t bother me when you told me after 10 days that your first try at shipping the record came back undeliverable. So I re-copied you the address you must have already had from eBay, then sat back in glorious anticipation of that happy day I’d be listening Amy Winehouse.
That’s why I emailed you a second and third time asking why my shipment hadn’t arrive. In Zen-like contemplation I gazed upon the empty in-box which was your reply.
Riding my bike through a flash thunderstorm to go pick it up at the post office didn’t dampen my feelings of anticipation a few short weeks later when I found the notice of delivery in my mailbox.
And seeing how you’d most carefully wapped that fragile slice of vinyl in a thin coating of paper and fastened it all together with packing tape, I figured gee, what a sweet fellow you must be. Who needs a real cardboard package in which other eBay sellers usually mail record albums?
Besides, the album cover’s trashed-out, beaten-up look is a perfect match for Amy Winehouse herself at her most famous.
You also failed to mention that you’re deaf and blind. I mean, you must be, poor thing. How else could you have failed to notice, and therefore fail to indicate in your eBay offer, that the record you’d put up for sale was severely defective right out of the factory and therefore completely unplayable on any turntable worth more than €20?
But then again, even a deaf and blind person could have run his fingers along the record and felt all those -what the fuck are they anyway, blisters? – on the vinyl.
Oh no – I just realised that if you couldn’t even feel the vinyl’s pimply surface, that must mean you were born without arms! Life must be so difficult for you. What an inspiration you are to us all.
I was tempted to phone you up to discuss this with you personally one day, because it was really easy to find you on the Internet. I know where you went to high school, where you live, where you bank, where you work, your office extension number, and I even know what you look like. I just love the Internet that way, don’t you? And gosh, we’d have been able to have such a nice, long chat now that I have a flat-rate within Germany.
But why bother? Not only is it more fun to passive-aggressively lambaste your character in this post for all eternity, why on earth should I waste any more time on a shit-stain like you? I’ve already given you the most scathingly negative feedback I could jam into 80 characters. If I could have added “should be stabbed, stuffed head-first in a pickle barrel, laden with weights and dumped in the Danube” I would have.
Not that a negative reputation will keep you from ripping off people in the future. People like you just open a new account when the negs start adding up.
Thanks for reminding me not to trust anyone on eBay with fewer than 10,000 sales to his name.
One very pissed off eBay user.
PS: Actually, we do have a record player I might consider spinning this disc on, but unfortunately, it doesn’t fit on a Fisher-Price: