Well, on second thought, never mind…
Archive for the 'satire' Category
03
Sep
09
What is this crap?
26
Jun
09
Michael Jackson dead at 50. Fans in mourning. Jackson Five reunion tour to go ahead as planned.
A Definitely Not the Daily News semi-exclusive
Los Angeles (DNDN) Enigmatic, eccentric entertainment eminence Michael Jackson exited earth earlier today, sending distraught fans of the pop singer, moonwalking inventor and Plastic Surgery Fail icon into a frenzy of mourning.
“I’m down here to show….just how much I loved him,” blubbered Christie Anderson, 42, of Mountain View, California outside the singer’s Neverland ranch. “He’s now out of my life, but not my heart.”
Sales of flowers, teddy bears, frilly hearts and other nauseating knick-knacks in a 50-mile radius of the singer’s California hideaway have skyrocketed as fans fight to bring whatever they can to lay at the front gates.
One woman stopped beating her chest and tearing her hair out long enough to complain of how area stores were price-gouging.
“They wanted 50 bucks for a key chain at the 7-11 just down the road,” said one middle-aged woman who declined to give her name. “I bought it anyway, cuz y’know, just imagine being caught on YouRube showing up here with nothing to give. It’d be unthinkable.”
One nearby 7-11 employee said stocks had already been depleted in the wake of the death of Farrah Fawcett only a day before.
“It’s supply and demand. Everyone’s doing it,” said 7-11 stockboy Pim P. Lee from behind the counter. ” See that rack of scandal sheets over there? You think they’re not going to make a killing in sales over this as well?”
Millions of fans who purchased tickets for Jackson’s sold-out This is It comeback tour in London are now being asked to return them for refund.
“We thought of presenting a hologram, doubling the price, and calling it Michael Jackson That was That,” said Jackson publicist James J. Goff, “but that would be about as tasteless and insensitive as posting a fake Jackson news piece within hours of his death. We’re asking everyone to at least give it a 24-hour grace period.”
Organisers of a planned Jackson Five reunion tour scheduled to get under way in March, 2010 say they’re still going to go ahead with the show, despite the death of the former quintet’s most famous member.
“Michael would have liked it that way,” said brother Jermaine Jackson from his home in Los Angeles. “Sales were strong, but we’re sure to get a sellout now that prices have been slashed by 20%.”
A Definitely Not the Daily News Exclusive
Tech industry sources say the reason Google is in talks to buy Twitter is so that the search engine giant can spin off the immensely popular yet completely useless social media site into different channels.
“With Twitter, you have millions of people all on one platform,” said Kaushik Shridharani, technology analyst with Stiffe, Yall & Runn, an investment bank. “In simple terms, by spinning off Twitter into different branches, Google can reslabuftulate overlapping shintablatts without snaptifying their crubinta factors.”
Google is also out to stomp on millions of mommy bloggers who dare to launch Twitter-like sites.
“Don’t be evil? Let’s get real,” said Shridharani. “Today’s Mama is going to be tomorrow’s dog meat when Google gets through with them.”
Scribblings deciphered from a scrunched-up paper napkin retrieved from the men’s restroom of a Mountain View, California McDonald’s reveal that Google already has several Twitter knock-offs in the works.
Among them:
Short bursts of laughter / short spurts o’ porn: Titter
Domestic Violence helpline: Hitter
For those that don’t swallow: Spitter
Tweets on the john: ( you figure it out)
Short bursts of rage and scorn: Bitter
Tweets from the Zoo: Critter
Low-level dispute resolution: Snitter
For those who work with wool: Knitter
While taking care of the neighbour’s kid: Sitter
Random ADHD for the caffeine-addicted: Flitter Jitter
Casually dropped garbage locations: Litter
Some search but never find it: Clitter
I’m outta here: Quitter
Ummm… please don’t tell anyone, but I’m on Twitter.
Don’t worry, I hardly ever tweet and have nowhere near the 20-thousand-plus updates like some people I know only via blogging, so my well-entrenched social media avoidance disorder is still intact.
But the other day I somehow realised while playing around on the Twitter directory wefollow.com that with a click of a button I could actually follow Yoko Ono, so I am now doing so.
Since Yoko doesn’t update her status regularly, I soon forgot I was following Ms. Ono. But then, as if in a dream I’d won a lottery I hadn’t even played, the next day I received this bold-faced line in my email inbox:
You have a direct message from Yoko Ono
Yoko, I really, really appreciated your sending me your direct message of Peace, love and understanding. It filled me with great joy to know that despite the asymmetric nature of our budding relationship – you – famous billionaire, me – almost famous wage slave – for the mini-micro-nanosecond that your automatically generated packets flitted down the intratubularities, your message was from you to me and for me alone.
It kind of made me feel like the guy who must have felt while saying, as you tweeted not long ago:
“May I shake hands with the hand that shook hands with John Lennon?”
So in honour of my status as Yoko Ono Twitter follower number 15,482, may I now re-write the song that you must have sung with John Lennon?
By the way, did you know that on that horrible day in December, 1980 when he was so tragically taken from us, I was on a traveller’s high, bouncing from wadi to beach camp in the Sinai desert on a jeep excursion? That we didn’t find out about it until nearly a week later when on our return to Eilat we overheard some people in a bar at the next table shaking their heads about it all while Imagine played in the background?
I’m not famous, so you wouldn’t know that.
Anyway, Yoko. Just…
Imagine there’s no Twitter
If it won’t make you cry
No breakfast updates
To make us all ask why
Imagine all the people
Living off the Net
Imagine there’s no blogging
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to post or download
And no viruses too
Imagine all the spammers
Boiled alive in grease
You may say I’m a Luddite
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll log off
Go outside and have some fun
Imagine there’s no MacBooks
I wonder if you can
No need for feeds or iPhones
Or upgrading your LAN
Imagine sharing music
By trading old vinyl…
You may say I’m on Twitter
Pointless updates one-by-one
I just signed up to join the crowd
And realise it’s not much fun
Have your say. The comments box is always open.