A foreword from Lanny: Although this is supposed to be a family newspaper, certain subjects discussed on this page which might shock and dismay could very well slip beyond the editor’s watchful eye. So if you have a delicate constitution yet choose to continue, way to go.

=================================
Dear Lanny Anders,

My wife and I are recent newcomers to Germany and are having a lot of trouble adjusting to life in our new home. Though we’re Americans and we love the European lifestyle, and have enjoyed discovering our city as well as weekend trips to neighbouring ones, something is missing. OK, I’ll get to the point: our sex life is suffering. Is this a normal thing for new arrivals? I expected some adjustment problems, but this is really getting me down. Oh yeah, now that I have your attention, there’s one other problem: we haven’t been able to make the adjustment to metric. I’m always buying half the amount or paying twice as much as I think I should, because everything is in kilos instead of pounds. Damn metric system anyway.

Signed,

at sixes and sevens.

Dear Numbers,

Your problem is quite common to new arrivals from the USA and the solution is quite simple. Just remember this simple conversion formula next time you are either shopping or thinking of going horizontal:

What’s sixty-nine in metric?

One-eight-one.

________________________________________

Dear Lanny Anders,

Damn, last time I heard that one, the boys and I were sitting around the campfire, roasting mammoth meat. Don’t you have anything original? I’m about to change the channel to Jon Stewart.

signed,

tired of the same old same old

Dear Tired,

Jon Stewart is merely Jay Leno minus the chin and shown at a decent hour! Didn’t Leno blaze a trail for young Jon with his Headlines routine? Absolutely brilliant! Stewart took that and spun it into his own show. You want derivative? I’ll show you derivative, mate! (editor’s note: at this point we had to physically restrain Lanny, who was about to pour hot coffee into her his monitor. )

____________________________________________

Dear Lanny Anders,

As you are very well aware, sometimes it is extremely difficult to be a celebrity. My husband Tom and I are absolutely shocked and appalled that some floozy is going to lose her virginity in her very first porn movie. And she’s calling herself Katee Holmes! I am so embarassed, I want to crawl in a hole and read the collected works of L. Ron Hubbard once again just to please my husband. Imagine, abusing my name like that. I bet she’s not even losing her virginity, that it’s all an outrageous lie.

signed,

the real Katie Holmes

Dear Really Katie,

Oh come on, don’t gimme that. You love the attention. You all do! Short of an anti-semitic tirade, a frizzy-haired photo-op or conviction for axe murder, positive or negative it’s all good for the career, right? But I agree with you on the outrageous lie thing. This scam reeks like putrified poodle poop. She’s from Victoria, BC Canada, right? Say no more! I hear that’s why Jesus wasn’t born there. They couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

____________________________________________

Dear Lanny Anders,

No really, we’re going to sue their sorry asses half-ways to breakfast. I know we’ll win the case too, because we have the Church of Scientology on our side. Once I get up on the stand and explain how Xenu, the alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy 75 million years ago brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling DC-8s and stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs to release these alien souls which still causes ill-effects on humans to this very day, why, they’ll say CASE CLOSED!

I promise not to jump up and down in my chair though. They might think I’m a wacko.

signed,

Tom Cruise

Dear Mr. Cruise,

uhh… 10 – 4!

Dear Lanny Anders,

I can’t stop buying lottery tickets. It started off as a little flutter now and then, but only if the jackpot grew to around 10 million or so. That didn’t happen very often, so I figured what the hell, I’ll give it a shot. Sometimes I’d win a tenner and think, hey, this isn’t half bad. After a while I noticed that I was playing a certain set of numbers all the time and thought, what if I don’t play one week, and my numbers are drawn for the big one? I’d head for the nearest high bridge. I am now subscribed to every state lottery you can name and go without meat for the last week of every month just so I can pay for it all.

signed,
Numbed by the numbers.

Dear Numbed,
What you have to do with lotteries is consider them an idiot tax. Your winnings are an idiot tax refund.

=================================

Dear Lanny Anders,
I am such a big fan of yours! I read your column every day, even though it sometimes goes for a while with nothing new. In fact, I’m such a fan, I wrote you a poem! OK, it’s actually a Limerick. Here goes:

I wrote to the lady Lan-nee,
To ask about A, B and C
I took her advice
But it wasn’t that nice
Now my wife is a new di-vor-cee.

Gosh, I hope you liked that. As a bonus, I’ve written you a Haiku:

Advice is given
To those who want to know things
Not found on Google

signed,
I’m a poet and didn’t know it.

Dear Poet,

Gee, thanks! Don’t quit your day job.

====================================

Dear Lanny Anders,
I have a rather embarrassing problem I can’t seem to solve on my own. In my capacity as chairman of the mathematics department of a large midwestern university, I am often forced to travel to distant lands to give special lectures and participate in conferences. Though I find the work stimulating and rewarding, the travel is a heavy burden on my health as I have a delicate constitution. My wife does her best to cook healthy meals when I’m at home, but on the road I simply can’t seem to keep regular because I eat in restaurants at odd hours of the day and night. I know you’re not a qualified doctor, but can you offer any advice?

signed,
Plugged in Preoria

Dear Plugged,

Just do what any mathematician would do. Work it out with a pencil.

Confidential to: mystified. Anyone who suggests you go and knit condoms together has a screen door on the submarine of her mind.

=================================

Dear Lanny Anders,

I live in a rather large, densely populated European country blessed with a fabulous road infrastructure on which I drive a Porsche 911 GT3 RS. It cost me about 130,000 euros, has 415 horsepower and can rip along at a top speed of 310 km/h. I am really, really upset at suggestions there be a speed limit put on the Autobahn. Heck, I normally cruise at 220! I’m also afraid my girlfriend will think I’m a wimp if I am forced drive such a powerful car so slowly.

signed,
leadfoot

Dear leadfoot,

What’s the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?

With a porcupine, the prick’s on the outside.

=====================

Dear Lanny Anders,

I am really, really, REALLY upset at your response to the Porsche driver. You sound like someone who rides a bicycle to work or something.

signed,
peeved.

Dear peeved,

That’s right, I do! Zero litres per hundred kilometres, zero emissions beyond the occasional fart. Oh, and zero tax breaks from the Bundesregierung, something you automobile drivers have been enjoying for decades up ’til this year. Isn’t it time we cyclists got some recognition for all that we haven’t been contributing to global warming?

Dear Lanny Anders,

Like, ever since I shaved my head, people think I’ve like, gone off the deep end or something. But like, all I wanted to do was the same thing above, what everyone has already seen I do below.

signed,

Spritney Beers

Dear Ms. Beers,

Well I guess we can safely rule out xyrophobia, peladophobia and phalacrophobia, but trichopathophobia combined with a healthy measure of nudophobia, especially as public display of your bottom is concerned, might go a long way toward alleviating the melophobia your career up to now has provoked in millions. I suggest that you make the most of your wax job, become a nun, and call us back in, like, 15 years?

Dear Lanny Anders,

I am having a very difficult time adjusting to the fact that Anna Nicole Smith is no longer with us. Even though she had her little quirks and foibles, I always thought she was so wonderful. But now that she’s gone, I’m sad all the time and just don’t know what to do.

signed,
Grieving heavily

Dear Grieving,

People Magazine is just one of the thousands of rags and trash-sites which make their living on the public’s never-ending fascination for celebrites, including those who don’t care how much they humiliate themselves in public. This has led to an explosion in copy-cat behaviour for some reason rewarded with endless copy no matter how little talent displayed, the details of the life of Ms. Smith until her recent demise one of the most notable among them. With all due respect for the dead, believe me sweetie, there was less gold-digging going on in the Klondike than there was in this person’s life. Not only that, she seemed to have an insatiable desire for attention, a huge red flag for Histrionic Personality Disorder. I also suspect she was afflicted with its evil twin: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Though Anna Nicole Smith was an extreme example, there are a lot of women out there like her. I suggest you find out what it is about you that makes a person of so little substance – someone you don’t even know, for Pete’s sake! – mean so much to you. I also think you should read up on these disorders, just in case you have the misfortune to actually meet a person with one in real life. I’ve been there and let me tell you: beyond the outer mask, the inside is really ugly.

========

Dear Lanny Anders,

I am so burned up at Weird Al Yankovic! There’s this song called Canadian Idiot on his album Straight Outta Lynwood and he’s making fun of us! The nerve of that guy. I am so mad, I want to put down my Grope and Flail, turn off the Weekend Curling Special on CBC, pull on my long johns, heavy flannel pants, one-piece snowsuit, fur-lined boots, mittens and tuque, stuff my pockets with Loonies, fire up my Bombardier ski-doo and drive it straight across the border, even bypassing God Forbid Tim Horton’s just so I can be there that much sooner to look him up, ring his doorbell and, when he answers, give him a cannonading drive with my CCM hockey stick, call him a darn no-good so-and-so, apologise for taking up so much of his time, then leave. I’d shoot him, but they won’t let me have a gun. Doesn’t he know we’re really the nicest people on the planet? We really, really, really are! Honest.

signed,
Canucklehead.

Dear Canuck,

Lanny Anders suggests you get over your me-too, me-too position in the G-8, APEC and NATO along with pathetic attempts by Conrad Black to outdo Enron for corruption and sleaziness and just take a chill pill, ya frost-bitten hosehead. If Weird Al is making a parody of your song, your TV show, or your whole darn country, consider yourselves having finally made it onto the World Stage. Look what he did for Michael Jackson!

Where the hell have you BEEN, by the way, Germany? That album is so autumn, 2006.

===========

Confidential to: Had it with gerbils. That is most dire.

====================================================

Dear Lanny Anders,

I’m the leader of a large country situated in the southerly directional position immediately under…. uhh, lemme look at the map for a sec…. Canada…. and north of Mexico, latitudinally speaking. Anyway, my Daddy and his friends let me play with the country for a while, but I got bored with it real quick, know what I’m sayin? So I got a few of my friends together and spread some lies about some tough guy kicking ass on the other side of the suburb we’re living in, and then we went over there and raised some hell of our own. It was a real scream for a while and I even got to take a ride in this really neat fighter jet and land on an aircraft carrier and whoop it up for a bit and everything, but now that guy’s friends are spoiling all our fun! The more I try to tell them that all I want to do is help them, the more fuss they kick up. I only get to play with this country for another couple of years, so I’m running out of time. What do you think I should do?

signed,

Leader of the Free World

Dear Leader,

Well, you’re a real busy-body, aren’t you? What right do you have poking your nose into somebody else’s business? Just because you could? I get the feeling you’ve done this sort of thing before, and got that nose of yours bloodied but good, right buster? Only fools and the mentally ill keep on trying to do the same thing over and over, expecting a better result each time. I really think you should get counselling. You and your friends sound like a bunch of bully-boys to me.

================

Dear Lanny Anders,

I am turning to you with a problem I have because I live in a small town where everybody knows what everybody else is doing, and I fear that if I went to the local medical clinic to talk to someone about it, somehow the word would get around and I would be ruined. Ever since I was a little boy, I have lived with the desire to dress up as a girl. I have a secret wardrobe in the basement behind a false wall, stuffed to the brim with frilly underwear, leotards, silk blouses, you name it. When my wife and two sons are away and I find myself alone in the house, I go down there right away to play my little dress-up games. I know it’s kind of kinky, but since since it’s something I only do when I’m alone, I feel it’s basically a harmless pastime. I am otherwise “normal” in every way. Actually, come to think of it, I guess I really don’t have a problem, just a desire to confess this to someone who might lend a sympathetic ear. Thanks for the chance to do so.

Signed,

Girlie

(name and address withheld by request)

Dear Girlie,

I’m sorry, but Lanny Anders doesn’t withhold names and addresses by request. Your name is Rocky Langdon and you live at 452 Riverside Drive, New Hazelton, BC, Canada.

========

Confidential to: Like dipping a rope in a well. Maybe bring along some liver for shims next time?

© 2007 lettershometoyou


5 Responses to “Lanny Anders: The Advice Column”


  1. 1 Anonymous
    March 27, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    write your own letter to an advice column .your problem can be real or imaginary. read your letter to the class and ask for advice

  2. 3 Confuse
    April 26, 2010 at 9:51 am

    Lanny Anders,
    I have several problems which is health,love,career,surrounding people all at once.
    My stories can be able to have a best seller.

    Keep my stories short here goes :
    I had a career,working for some time but getting unhappy with the environment. example : over low salary,politics & others. Wanted left but mom says is better to stick with it and since i am not that clever(about a few years).Had a close friend which we both talk about almost everything.Things change after she left.Almost about the same lose missing private…people start to look down on me. I am getting nervous….more!
    When to see doc and told me i am in for depression & others,oop!Mom try to help/dig in the office…must have been told by my friend most of the stuff,I think my friend’s resign may due to me…. All turn start to attack me of what by my mom said, not directly.I had to drag on for some time before resign(I have heard them saying apart of the stories my mom doesn’t know).Don’t really happen….so…I ask my family but seem to have a answer.I taught it sort of over …….

    That no all! Cause one of my boses is my cousin friend. Mom’s try to help,by getting info to them to talk to me so,when meeting my relative’s they seem to do the same not directly talking me(I think they know some of my past & even about my love).I think you can’t change people & no use of complaining that for sure.Worse of all, my mom ask me not to think this way. Trying to make harmony by staying in my room, well, most of the time.

    When for a holiday, almost happy taught recover but come back…..

    My parents are on the whole protective upto now in my 30′s.I know they are trying to help but… & sometimes it nice.They pefer not to change if there a new thing comes up. I’m don’t allow to go out alone most of the time. Mom’s driving up the wall in the past & now. Guys are coming into the picture with them parents.Some i don’t like, some i cannot have….i think it my past.

    Of course, is not a big issue but when all at once……

    Upto now my health am not quite recover cause some of the thought are still keeping within me.
    I ask my parent to let me to have totally new environment but it seem,not much use. Wanted to look for some new friends but i feel i have almost nothing…(Trying to remember lit new info,some can’t really remember)

    I got no want to turn to…needed your advise &
    hope you can continue helping me up……Thanks.

    Signed,
    Confuse

  3. 4 Carol
    January 7, 2011 at 10:04 am

    Just wondering how to get rid of a 3200 candian dollar debt to be paid to my uncle in canada he is so mean and tormenting me


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The banner photograph shows the town of Britannia Beach, BC, Canada, where I grew up. It's home. But I don't live there anymore.

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