Psychiatrists and researchers compiling the update of the American guidebook to mental disorders and treatment have had to make room for a new malfunction for people who just couldn’t be bothered with social media.
“It’s really become prevalent over the past couple of years as social media has taken hold,” said Cologne therapist Nutsin Parks. “With the explosive growth of social media sites like Twitter, those who don’t want to join are beginning to look like real losers. It’s our duty to help them.”
Called SMAD for Social Media Avoidance Disorder, researchers are trying to pin down a set of diagnostic criteria so that health professionals can more easily spot the disorder.
Among the biggest red flags is a stubborn refusal to quit blogging.
“Look, blogging is just so 2004, OK?,” said Thad Ramjum Dab, a radio personality. “It has to be, because I read it in Wired. They know everything.”
Dab is referring to a recent Wired article which declared that if you’re still blogging, you’re a complete and utter waste of skin, because everybody is now on Facebook, AssCrack, LinkedIn, FlippedOut, and Twitter.
After bursting on the scene early last Tuesday, Twitter is the fastest-growing social media platform, with between 5,000 and 10,000 new accounts every day. Twitterers are in a race to be the one who compiles the most stalkers followers. Your followers can find out the latest on what you’re doing whenever you post, called a tweet.
“If you have fewer than 1,000 Twitter followers, everyone thinks you’re boring and really should get a life,” said Twitter enthusiast Drather B. Haffinseks. “I have nearly 6,000 and that figure is jumping every day.”
A survey of the most frequent utterances on Twitter include “Is this working?” “Stuck in traffic on the way to the mall,” and “Just got spittle on my iPhone while brushing my teeth.”
“I get people all the time these days coming into my office and complaining they can’t figure out why in hell anyone in their right mind would want to waste their time on an iPhone letting strangers on the other side of the world know they’re about to order a hot pastrami sandwich on rye,” said Amy Osborn, a therapist in Truth or Bum’s Rush, Texas.
“I tell them, look. The first thing you have to realise is that it’s just like blogging, only shorter and more pointless. Sometimes I see a light go on, but with most, we know we have a long and painful journey ahead of us.”
Recent reports of a major Twitter password hack allowing miscreants to post joke tweets from celebrities and news sites only confirms the platform’s arrival. Psychiatrists say the longer those suffering from SMAD continue to indulge their avoidance, the worse off they’ll be.
“Just look at this poor sap,” said a “He’s signed up, but hasn’t the faintest idea why. You can tell by the fact he’s not been posting at least 80 times a day. Any fewer than that and we start to get worried.”
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