Facebook lifehack: how to get back in touch

In the few weeks I’ve been on Facebook I have gone from grudgingly giving in to family members who’d been bugging me to sign up, to enthusiastically searching for nearly everyone who’s ever been part of my life at some point. Former classmates, distant cousins, ex-girlfriends – I’ve found many, and already contacted a few.

But I had a bit of trouble writing the first contact messages. I quickly realised that just because I had a hard time thinking of anything witty or meaningful to say after two decades or more without contact didn’t mean I could just give in, poke everybody, sit back and hope for the best. You want the recipients to open the message and feel they’ve been graced with something special.

So if there is already a heap of advice out there on everything from tying your fucking shoelaces to planning your career, I figure it’s time to post a little help on how to get in touch again.

Delete where appropriate.

The school buddy

Hey, I saw you on Facebook! / How’s it going? / Don’t you wish you had set your privacy a lot higher?

My how / time flies. / it seems only yesterday we were shoplifting at Safeway to survive. / you’ve lost a lot of hair.

It seems so long since / graduation. / that time out behind the shed after football practice. / your unfortunate lobotomy.

Remember how we hated each other’s guts after only two/ four/ six weeks as roommates?

Did you ever fulfill those dreams of / stardom? / making a lot of money? / curing your chronic halitosis?

My life has always been / one success after the other. / probably no less miserable than yours. / one step away from the gutter.

Tell me how / your life has gone. / you’ve managed to survive in the real world despite such a low IQ.

Would you like to / be my friend on Facebook? / block me? / report me to the authorities?

The former colleague

Hi! I saw you on Facebook? How’s it going?

Are you / still with Rapkapple, Birthwaite, Aftermath, Plumsteel, Spoondiddler & Prattz? / still an ass-kisser? / getting out of jail soon?

Remember how we / used to call in sick all the time and go skiing? / stabbed Taylor in the back? / amassed that fortune siphoning off client funds?

Damn, those were the /days, my friend. / happiest times of my life. /most annoying weasels I’ve ever had the misfortune of being professionally associated with.

I’ve still / got a great tan. / not spent half of it. / got another five years before I come up for parole.

The ex-girlfriend

Hi! I / saw you / stumbled upon your picture completely by accident / am stalking you / on Facebook!

How long has it been since we / were going out? /split up? / auctioned off that toddler on eBay?

You still / look good. / make my heart flutter. / have that funny wart thing on your nose. / make me want to go back on Prozac.

Since we split up, my life has been / a chaotic series of lurches from one crisis to another. / not worth living. / a happy romp through daisies.

Are you still /plagued with body odour?/ dead in bed? / going out with that loser you dumped me for?

I am / friends with Bill Clinton. / about to make my second billion. / going to move three blocks away from you under an assumed name and there’s not a hell of a lot you can do about it.

Don’t you wish we were / still together? / still together? / still together?

I’ve taken the liberty of / leaving my contact details for you. / sending your contact details to every spammer and Nigerian scam artist I’ve been able to find on Google. / telling the police where you hid all those bodies.

I Googled your name when I was bored one day. Are you aware that / your name is associated with a severe personality disorder? / your boyfriend’s wanted by Interpol? / your image is featured at several porn sites?

The distant relative

Hi! Isn’t Facebook / great? / fantastic? / an enormous waste of time?

Remember that time when we were kids at Auntie Jenny’s place and you / fell off the swings, beat the crap out of me and then drowned my kitten? / ate a bowl of lima beans, turned in my direction and threw up in my lap? /wrote FUCK in big black crayon on the bathroom wall, and when my Dad found it, you pointed at me and said I did it?

Well that was a long time ago. I / forgive you. / still only harbour a bit of a grudge. / won’t tell anyone how you really came to lose your left eye.

Will you be my friend on Facebook? Please? I only have / five, each one an alternate personality. / 27, but I had to pay 50 bucks to each of them. / a few months left to live now that the tests are in, and I’d like to get into at least double-digits.

See you on / Facebook! / Arsebook! / Crackbook!

© 2007 lettershometoyou
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23 Responses to “Facebook lifehack: how to get back in touch”

  1. October 10, 2007 at 6:27 pm

    Oh my goodness, I myself am much too interested in facebook – your post had me laughing out loud – so right on. I wish I could be part of the opposition but I am utterly complicit in being part of the crackbook problem.

  2. 2 brightfeather
    October 11, 2007 at 2:01 am

    I laughed until I howled. This was sooooo funny!

  3. October 11, 2007 at 5:15 am

    Brilliant. But now we need some help for how to contact people you only know from blogging.

  4. October 11, 2007 at 10:48 am

    While I usually adore all things internet, for some reason I simply CANNOT abide Facebook (or Myspace, for that matter). A couple of friends also persuaded me to join but I rarely hang out there. Got enough networking going on as it is.🙂

    But if I DO ever decide to contact anyone, I’ll be sure to have a copy of your suggestions by my side. Very entertaining.

    P.S. Will we be seeing you in Dresden??

  5. October 11, 2007 at 11:47 am

    Hi christina,
    Or you can just link back to the post.😉

    About Dresden, I might be in London that weekend, however if that doesn’t pan out, I’ll let you know.

    Charlotte, brightfeather & Courtney: glad you liked it! Semi-revealing factoid: two of the incidents in the ‘distant relative’ part are based on true stories.

  6. October 11, 2007 at 10:20 pm

    OMG, I succumbed (is that even the correct spelling?) a month ago, when my kid sister kept whining on about it.

    My privacy is set so high, I can’t even see myself on there. Refreshing change.

  7. October 12, 2007 at 10:33 am

    Facebook and Myspace just make easier for people to feel like Hollywood material. Now everyone can have their very own blast-from-the-past stalker.

    I might have to use some of these tips on a boredom trip🙂

  8. October 12, 2007 at 11:35 am

    Well yeah – I guess it works both ways. I mean ‘stalking’ in the true sense of the word is a lot more serious than a message or poke on facebook, and fame… well … a lot are just legends in their own minds, right?

  9. October 12, 2007 at 9:13 pm

    I love the things you can say to an ex-girlfriend. Are you still dead in bed?!! Hi-larious. Great post.

  10. October 16, 2007 at 5:08 pm

    Great post! My first laugh of the morning!

  11. October 23, 2007 at 10:17 pm

    Okay, this was a great post and made me laugh out loud. But I have never even visited Facebook or MySpace. Never. Probably won’t either. I have enough to do just keeping up with my blogging friends and having a real life. If I didn’t keep up with the former co-worker, friend, schoolmate during my real life, Facebook or MySpace is not going to make us close once again.

  12. October 24, 2007 at 12:34 am

    I got here via Charlotte’s blog and you had me rolling with laughter. Too funny!

  13. October 24, 2007 at 7:48 am

    Hi Ian,

    I don’t know how to Trackback from your blog so I am just pasting the link on mine so that you can read how I put your blog in context. Great suggestions!


  14. November 12, 2007 at 5:21 am

    You always did make me laugh! A month late reading this, but better late than never, I guess. I haven’t succumbed yet to Facebook, although now I want to just to use some of your lines!

  15. November 12, 2007 at 4:03 pm

    Vreni – better late than not at all. Welcome back from the canyon! Glad you made it in one piece.

    to all those who commented while I was on holidays and am only getting to you now: thanks for dropping by!

  16. 16 Raul
    March 27, 2008 at 9:02 pm

    Hi Ian,

    I’ve moved to WordPress. So now I can basically trackback to your posts whenever I want!

    Update your bookmarks🙂


  17. March 27, 2008 at 9:16 pm

    OK! Did and done. Welcome to WordPress, btw.🙂

  18. 18 Raul
    March 28, 2008 at 12:43 am

    Thanks Ian, I *have* to send this particular post you wrote to my friends. I am not (as you know) on Facebook, and I laugh about it all the time, so I figure that if I ever join FB, I’ll use some of these phrases. This is one of the wittiest posts I’ve ever read!

  19. 19 Raul
    March 28, 2008 at 7:23 am

    Couldn’t do the trackback, but I linked to this post on my blog.

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