Desiderata for bloggers

Said to have been discovered in a Baltimore church cellar in 1692, actually penned in 1927 and cranked out decades later on fake parchment to adorn the bedroom walls of millions of kids like me who came of age in the seventies, Desiderata is a modern junk classic, its bite-sized peace ‘n’ love wisdom wedges one of the last twitches of a sixties generation that had already begun to trade its tie-dyed shirts and cut-offs for leisure suits and MBAs. With bloggers having cut themselves off into their own little world so far they even rate their very own health tips, comes a new Desiderata.

For Bloggers only.

Stumble aimlessly amid the trolls and waste, but remember what peace there be in staring at your toes for a couple of weeks. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all readers. Publish your posts quietly and clearly, and listen to podcasts, even the dull and garbled, for they too have a right to hog bandwidth. Avoid loud and aggressive bloggers. They are pains in the ass.

If you compare your hit count to that of other bloggers, you will become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser counts than yours can muster. Enjoy your favourite posts as well as your drafts. Keep interested in your own career, however humble, for you will probably never make so much as a fucking dime from blogging.

Exercise caution in choosing a provider, for the Internet is full of con artists and thieves. But let this not blind you to the virtues of moving your blog to WordPress.com. Many strive for massive hit counts, and everywhere life is full of miracles. Be yourself. Above all, do not feign knowledge, for readers will not hesitate to tell you that you are full of shit. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all the scrapers, sploggers, and bloggers who never learned the difference between it’s and its and loose and lose, it is perennial as come-ons for Viagra.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in the face of sudden loss of access. But do not distress yourself with thoughts your blog has been deleted permanently. Many fears are born of insomnia and lack of caffeine. Beyond a wholesome wheat toast, eat whatever you like. You are a child of your parents. You have a right to post, and to sometimes state the obvious. And whether or not it is clear to you why or how, no doubt the search engines are making sure that someone looking for porn will land at your blog instead.

Therefore, be at peace with Google, whatever your level of search optimisation may be. And whatever your postings midst the noisy confusion of millions of other bloggers, keep peace with your soul. For all its spam, viruses and broken links, it is still a functional network.

Brush after meals. Strive to post regularly.

© 2007 lettershometoyou
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50 Responses to “Desiderata for bloggers”

  1. October 18, 2007 at 9:36 am

    you’re back in fine form!

    you don’t post often enough but when you do I always feel it was worth the wait 🙂

  2. October 18, 2007 at 10:43 am

    …and call your mother. 🙂

    That was GREAT. And suprise, surprise – during the 60’s and 70’s my mum also had a fake parchment copy of the Desiderata tacked up on the wall in the bedroom next to her walk-in closet and we all though “Oooh, 1692! That’s really, really old.!” Little did we know. 🙂

  3. October 18, 2007 at 11:49 am

    Can you believe that I didn’t know what “desiderata” meant? It was one of those terms skulking around in my burlap bag of things people more educated than I know, that I’ll get to one day. Thanks!

    Pity that there’s no way to sort out which unknowns would be fundamentally useful for my daily life, and which … will make me feel ignorant for having thought they might be meaningful.

  4. October 19, 2007 at 9:00 am

    hey I left a comment here yesterday… where did it go?

  5. October 19, 2007 at 2:29 pm

    I love it! Our blog was suspended most of one weekend day recently and I couldn’t figure out if I somehow posted something overtly religious. Didn’t ever find out what happened, but what the hey.

    You know, this post does reveal you as something of a literature geek…

  6. October 20, 2007 at 2:44 pm

    Hi everyone…
    ybonesy: lit geek!!
    Does that include the Hitchhikers Guide?

    nurse – glad you have the patience. 😉

    christina and Molly – I wonder if you can still pick up an old copy? wait! there’s always eBay.

    …-back in a week or so – Ian

  7. October 20, 2007 at 4:55 pm

    I swear I am going to have to print this and plaster it about as wallpaper to surround what will not be my little SACRED space o’ blogging! This is amazing!!
    THANKS so much!

  8. October 21, 2007 at 6:06 pm

    woot! another brilliant piece. I’m linking to it. 🙂

  9. October 22, 2007 at 3:32 pm

    that is very nice and true!

    btw. just returned from hamburg – however do you manage not to freeze to death up there? there was ice on the cars on saturday morning!

  10. October 23, 2007 at 8:38 pm

    I love this blogger’s desiderata. I like this part best: “Keep interested in your own career, however humble, for you will probably never make so much as a fucking dime from blogging.” Sometimes I dream about money pouring into my lap from some imaginary cash machine, and all because I like to write about weird things.

  11. October 24, 2007 at 5:17 am

    The original of that was done out on puch cards in the 1960’s and found in an abandoned ibm 360 left on a scrap heap to rust, along with a truckload of old refrigerators.

  12. October 24, 2007 at 5:18 am

    and btw, it’s as f***** brilliant now as it ever was.

  13. October 24, 2007 at 6:59 am

    Great read for bloggers!

    Love & Gratitude,
    Think Simple. Be Decisive.

  14. October 26, 2007 at 4:20 am

    These are really great and made me laugh. Perhaps the bloggers desiderata should be referred to as blogiderata.

  15. 15 timethief
    October 27, 2007 at 2:45 am

    I loved it and laughed lots. 🙂

  16. October 28, 2007 at 10:30 pm

    I’m so upset.
    William Shatner will not be in the next Star trek movie.
    But I don’t know what upsets me more — that William Shatner won’t be in it, or that there will BE another Star Trek movie.


    PS, can you please forward this to Lanny Anders? I can’t find an address.

  17. October 28, 2007 at 10:33 pm

    Oh, and since I never EVER throw anything away, I probably still have my fake parchment copy rolled up in a tube of maps in the basement somewhere.

    I can’t believe that somebody included the word “woot” in a comment. I tried it once in a meeting at work, and I think the echo of the laughter still lingers in the plant.


  18. October 29, 2007 at 4:02 am

    There is so much to the Internet I still have to learn. For example, the English-language forum for expats living in Germany (toytown icon on sidebar) has a profile page for members. I made the serious mistake of clicking on a link to a homepage in one member’s profile. In my disgust at the photo which came up, I even went to the extraordinary length of complaining to the mods about it, but they wrote back: now you know what a lemon party is – where have you been? My answer to that is: You simply can’t know everything there is to know.

    Now with this woot thing: I know it’s a leet speak thingy, right? But why would your colleagues find woot such a hoot?

    Oh, and thanks for the Lanny Anders question!!! Lanny has been on a real bender lately. I’ll go sober him up.

  19. October 29, 2007 at 4:04 am

    And to all those who liked the Desiderata: thank you! I have now finished staring at my toes for the past two weeks.

  20. November 22, 2007 at 7:50 pm

    I think I have to steal this. Why haven’t I done so already???

  21. November 22, 2007 at 8:07 pm

    Well.. you COULD link to it in one of your post-thingies, a pull quote or two…

  22. November 23, 2007 at 1:11 am

    I’m with Rain. This must be spread widely. And be stolen unmercifully. You will know it has become a blogipelago classic when it begins to appear without attribution – – –

  23. 25 truce
    November 23, 2007 at 5:48 am

    “Brush after meals. Strive to post regularly.”

    Never a truer word spoken Ian.

  24. November 23, 2007 at 3:33 pm

    And whether or not it is clear to you why or how, no doubt the search engines are making sure that someone looking for porn will land at your blog instead.

    🙂 So true! And duly stolen . . .

  25. November 23, 2007 at 11:48 pm

    Submitted to BoingBoing. This is an instant classic.

  26. November 24, 2007 at 5:34 am

    Very clever…will have to frame this one.

  27. November 24, 2007 at 5:54 am

    raincoaster – thanks! but are the boing-boingers listening? I think they’ve all left work by now…

    azahar and curtis… will it be printed on parchment one day too?

  28. 30 ~m
    November 24, 2007 at 1:13 pm

    Fucking brilliant, dude.
    Love it.
    I’ll be spreading the word soon . . .
    Visited via Raincoaster.

  29. November 24, 2007 at 5:19 pm

    Now all you need is for your new version to be read by Leonard Nimoy and you’re good. Nimoy put out three albums long ago (mostly of him singing) and him reading the desiderata was on one of them.

  30. November 24, 2007 at 5:24 pm

    will it be printed on parchment one day too?

    How’s this?

  31. November 25, 2007 at 9:24 am

    Looks very good! I can hear the paper crinkling.

    @renalfailure: maybe he can team up with William Shatner and do a duet. Nooooo….

  32. November 29, 2007 at 3:34 am

    That was beautiful to read through. Bravo!


  33. November 30, 2007 at 2:38 am

    Extremely well done. So damn true is so many ways. Glad I was told about you from the Smoke & Mirrors site!

  34. February 17, 2008 at 12:26 am

    I twiched and shivered, moaned, and screamed.

  35. 37 alwaysthatgirl
    February 23, 2008 at 12:00 am

    Another Great Post. I’m really enjoying the reading. 🙂

  36. February 23, 2008 at 5:54 am

    Hello girl – comments like yours are great to wake up to! 🙂
    Glad to have you around.

  37. June 12, 2008 at 1:52 pm

    Raincoaster prescribed me this post for my blogging illness. Great stuff. It just cheered me up. Thanx!

    Oh… Can I quote some and put it on my sidebar?

  38. June 12, 2008 at 1:58 pm

    Hi Yella! I hope it’s the injection you need. 🙂
    Sure you can quote some and put it in your sidebar. Can you please include a link back to the post?

  39. June 12, 2008 at 2:30 pm

    Of course I can, Ian. And I will. Thanx for the permission, and the desiderada!

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