Passive-aggressive note to a bicycle thief

Finally bought a new bike for the little red-haired girl to replace the one stolen from behind our place. Because writing passive-aggressive notes has now become a spectator sport, it occured to me that maybe I should tack one right where the bike was standing when the lock was snapped through in the middle of the night.

It should go something like this:

Dear Bike Thief:

Thanks so much for giving us the opportunity to explore the inside of our local police station, play telephone and email ping-pong with our insurance company and discover just how difficult it is to find a suitable replacement bike for an 11-year-old at the end of summer when nothing is left in stock and new deliveries are a month away. She will no doubt grow into the adult bike we were forced to buy. In the meantime we have purchased at considerable expense a hefty anchor which has been installed for your convenience in the concrete wall of our basement cellar located behind no less than three locked doors. That’s where her new bike is now going to be standing overnight. You are now welcome to show you actually have the balls to pull off some real breaking-and-entering, instead of slinking off with another child’s bike after whipping out your fucking bolt-cutters. Our insurance will pay for it anyway.

But although it’s good to vent, the best way to make sure you don’t get ripped off again is to go on the defensive.

Because leaving a shiny new bicycle out in public in this country is like sticking a sign around it saying RIP THIS OFF, you can also pick up stickers that make a new bike look like shit!

Thanks to South African blogger Pete at Couch trip who dropped a link to the company selling rust and scratch camouflage stickers in his comment in the last post. Since the little red-haired girl is all for keeping her new bike at any cost, she said it’s OK to go ahead and buy a set. Once we get them in the mail and stick them on, I’ll post a photo of the rustiest, crappiest-looking new bike you’ve ever seen.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject…

Sick of roommates or colleagues stealing your lunch? You can now buy plastic bags that make it look as if that Wonder bread sandwich is covered in mold.

16 Responses to “Passive-aggressive note to a bicycle thief”

  1. September 18, 2008 at 9:03 pm

    yuck… i am glad to hear she’s got wheels again. And I can’t wait to see the stickers.

  2. 2 Jul
    September 18, 2008 at 10:08 pm

    Those stickers are too funny! Reminds me of the old SNL commercial for the Chameleon – a car that looked like ass on the outside but was all luxury on the inside.๐Ÿ™‚

  3. 3 wavemaker2
    September 19, 2008 at 2:30 am

    GREAT Stickers…And your right this world is worst for stealing. You feel violated and used and there is nothing worse than working 12 hour days and than theives rip you off. Like, ok I’m working my ass off just for you too come in and take my things… I wish I had a lock that if someone touches it except the person it belongs too it’ll chop off there fingers… REALLY!! We live in Houston, Tx. and the crime rate here is very high.. It’ll be before long we’ll be carrying guns like Western days… REALLY!! And right now I’m ready for it.. Darn thieves!!! til l8er

  4. September 19, 2008 at 4:43 am

    One of the things that enchanted me about the British during our time in Oxford was their absolute perfection at passive aggression.

  5. September 19, 2008 at 11:21 am

    I’m all for putting out bobbytrapped decoy bikes. If you snap through the lock, a fatal electric shock does the rest. I’m sure the problem of stolen bikes would quickly be solved.

  6. September 19, 2008 at 11:53 am

    You bet I’ll be getting those stickers – going to order them today. And Jul – did you see how you can put those stickers on cars as well?

    About that boobytrap though: what do you use as a power source? (Always thinking in practical terms, I know…)

  7. September 19, 2008 at 12:37 pm

    I don’t know – maybe pipe bombs in the frame of the bicycle.

  8. September 19, 2008 at 2:18 pm

    Mouldy sandwiches, and rusty bikes, great ideas to keep off thieves.

  9. September 19, 2008 at 5:11 pm

    Wouldn’t put one of those on a mountain bike, though.๐Ÿ™‚

  10. September 20, 2008 at 12:16 am

    great links Ian. maybe you could do another of your posts where you recommend blogs you visit?

  11. September 20, 2008 at 9:15 pm

    “Because leaving a shiny new bicycle out in public in this country is like sticking a sign around it saying RIP THIS OFF”

    This is also true in Spain, which is why I never used to leave my bike parked outside and lugged it up three long flights of stairs after use.

    Glad it’s all sorted now. Shame about defacing the shiny new bike though.

  12. September 22, 2008 at 8:31 am

    Not so sure about those food bags though๐Ÿ˜‰ Look forward to seeing what the new bike looks like.

  13. September 22, 2008 at 9:30 am

    Firstly, thanks for considering us worthy enough to gain further notoriety via your “Laughs and The Occasional Flashes Of Brilliance” category. It is much appreciated. Also, I have an effective solution to bicycle theft: a rifle.

    This theorem was tested on adolescents who kept breaking into the cable internet junction box near my home. Firing near their feet scared the holy crap out of them and soon stopped their inclination towards vandalism. I’m fairly certain that the same approach would prevent thieves from commandeering your bicycle(s) in future.

  14. September 22, 2008 at 2:30 pm

    Hehe – only problem with that is I’d never get any sleep…

  15. September 22, 2008 at 4:56 pm

    Yeah it tends to become a bit of an addiction. Hang on – suspicious looking youth at twelve o’clock. Oh my…I’ve gone a bit Lee Harvey Oswald!๐Ÿ˜‰

  16. September 24, 2008 at 7:02 am

    No worries: They keep for up to four months in the freezer.

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