Finally bought a new bike for the little red-haired girl to replace the one stolen from behind our place. Because writing passive-aggressive notes has now become a spectator sport, it occured to me that maybe I should tack one right where the bike was standing when the lock was snapped through in the middle of the night.
It should go something like this:
Dear Bike Thief:
Thanks so much for giving us the opportunity to explore the inside of our local police station, play telephone and email ping-pong with our insurance company and discover just how difficult it is to find a suitable replacement bike for an 11-year-old at the end of summer when nothing is left in stock and new deliveries are a month away. She will no doubt grow into the adult bike we were forced to buy. In the meantime we have purchased at considerable expense a hefty anchor which has been installed for your convenience in the concrete wall of our basement cellar located behind no less than three locked doors. That’s where her new bike is now going to be standing overnight. You are now welcome to show you actually have the balls to pull off some real breaking-and-entering, instead of slinking off with another child’s bike after whipping out your fucking bolt-cutters. Our insurance will pay for it anyway.
But although it’s good to vent, the best way to make sure you don’t get ripped off again is to go on the defensive.
Because leaving a shiny new bicycle out in public in this country is like sticking a sign around it saying RIP THIS OFF, you can also pick up stickers that make a new bike look like shit!
Thanks to South African blogger Pete at Couch trip who dropped a link to the company selling rust and scratch camouflage stickers in his comment in the last post. Since the little red-haired girl is all for keeping her new bike at any cost, she said it’s OK to go ahead and buy a set. Once we get them in the mail and stick them on, I’ll post a photo of the rustiest, crappiest-looking new bike you’ve ever seen.
Oh, and while we’re on the subject…
Sick of roommates or colleagues stealing your lunch? You can now buy plastic bags that make it look as if that Wonder bread sandwich is covered in mold.