How do you tell your wife you’ve been unfaithful?

I wasn’t going to write this.  Maybe I thought that by making absolutely sure there were no traces of it left anywhere, that she would never notice it happened.  But it happened, there’s no denying that fact.

So now I’m left with the question: how to tell her?  And maybe more importantly – when to tell her?  You can’t say the timing right now is the greatest.  Here I am about to ride off west to spend the weekend with a bunch of bloggers in Bremen, and I leave her behind with this?   But then again, when is it ever a good time?

Maybe I could just post-date the timing this post is to be published.  That’s an idea.  I’ll be a 60 miles away in another city when it’s posted.  Seems like a cowardly thing to do, though.  I should be able to tell it to her face.

Than again, what of the repercussions?  Will things ever work as smoothly again?  Will there always be a sticking point?   I could say yeah, I’ll never do it again.  I learned my lesson.  It was stupid, I was stupid, the whole thing was stupid, stupid, stupid!

Too late for that.

You know, it all started innocently enough.  An email here, a chat there.  Then a blog post or two.  Pretty soon I was going back for more – thirsty for more.

It lifted me up – what can I say?

I feel bad about it, but it’s done and there’s nothing to change that fact.  Nothing to do but own up to it.

Own up to the fact that I was unfaithful to the vow we made to each other.

The vow we made when we first bought it to honour and cherish our Sony Vaio laptop and to never drink coffee or anything else while anywhere near it.

Fuck what a mess.

Stepping onto the balcony carrying my second cup of joe I somehow stumble over the sill.  Trying to steady the cup on the saucer I lunge forward, sending a jet of coffee Splat! Right onto the keyboard.  Couldn’t have hit it better if I’d stood right over the thing and poured.

I yank the plug out right away and flip the thing over as coffee drips from the keyboard all over the placemat.  While it’s upside-down I have the presence of mind to stop swearing and hit the off button, then rush back inside to grab a roll of toilet paper and get to work drying it off and then trying to clean the recesses between the keys.

Lucky it’s a beautiful morning and the sun dries it out pretty well.  Must have, because it’s been plugged in while writing this and it hasn’t fried out yet.

25 Responses to “How do you tell your wife you’ve been unfaithful?”

  1. 1 J
    September 25, 2008 at 2:07 pm

    Okay, you had me going for a while…lol

  2. September 25, 2008 at 2:09 pm

    Oh gosh… my worst nightmare is a drink in my laptop.

    I managed to spill water in my desktop computer keyboard earlier this year–the keyboard died and then it was replaced with an American keyboard–so I had to beg for a german keyboard…

  3. September 25, 2008 at 2:25 pm

    Dude, she’ll understand. I spill my ‘coffee’ over laptops all of the time!

  4. September 25, 2008 at 2:28 pm

    Hilarious! I was thinking…man I thought MY blog was too personal sometimes but this?!?!?! 🙂

  5. 6 Ness
    September 25, 2008 at 2:45 pm

    LOL! You really had me going there! Ahh after the day from hell that post was a refreshing read – thanks for the smile!


  6. September 25, 2008 at 3:23 pm

    az – you’re referring to what lord beaverboosh was talking about? 🙂

  7. 8 admin
    September 25, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    Laughed my ass off at the end. You really had me there. 🙂

  8. September 25, 2008 at 3:42 pm

    Was the coffee hot? Maybe you can sue.

  9. September 25, 2008 at 4:02 pm

    You really know how to yank your readers’ chains. Funny stuff!

  10. 11 lilalia
    September 25, 2008 at 4:48 pm

    My first impulse after reading the title, was to unsubscribe your blog without reading the post (sorry, got to set standards somewhere). Then, fortunately, I said, “not ian from hamburg”, “not the ian who provides such witty posts and politically impolite tirades on occasion”, “not ian, fellow Canadian living in northern Germany, who knows and appreciates the good things in life (meaning his long suffering wife, who obviously must have great patience and a might good sense of humour)”. So, I read on. Initially, the beginning of the post just supported my worse fears, then… not fair. You really do know how to lead us on.

  11. September 25, 2008 at 4:53 pm


    Cheap, cheap joke. You can do better than that!

    When you get to Bremen, I’ll spank you.


  12. September 25, 2008 at 7:44 pm

    @diane and lilalia: I know…cheap laugh, emotionally manipulative, but no malicious intent! I’m laughing with you, not at you.

    and once again to HB8: not if I can do anything about it.

  13. September 25, 2008 at 10:47 pm

    Geesh, you almost fooled me…good thing I read to the end. I’ve been having similar issues carrying this friggin laptop around all over this building trying to get connected but so far all I’ve done is get caught in the rain. Good thing it’s not an expensive machine and I can walk pretty fast…have fun in Bremen, too bad I couldn’t be there…ciao

  14. September 25, 2008 at 11:04 pm

    did you learn your lesson?

  15. September 26, 2008 at 6:33 am


    Keep the cup a safe distance away, watch your step… 😉

  16. September 26, 2008 at 8:10 am

    Oh my god, with milk and sugar too! How can you even look her in the eye again????

    My husband and I have the same agreement. Last year ago I splashed hot, sweet tea ALL over the keyboard but managed to flip it over just in time and dry it out the best I could. It was sticky going for a while there, though. I still haven’t told him – I blamed it on the kids. 🙂

  17. September 26, 2008 at 3:33 pm

    Ja, you had me going for about the first few lines there but I knew there was a catch. Maybe it was a car or a sony Playstation or something but Ian from Hamburg unfaithful? Never, he’s not the type. And I hope your keyboard forgives you.

  18. 19 MelMac
    September 27, 2008 at 12:10 am

    I’m not even going to write what I thought upon reading the title of this one in my facebook news feed. (Okay, I admit it, the first thing I thought was “He forgot the ‘r’ in your!” Fortunately when I got here I realized that wasn’t the case.) ;D

  19. 20 vorpal
    September 28, 2008 at 4:33 am

    Darlene told me straight-faced that I should read your blog. Got the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and all, but the photo of the keyboard kinda gave the game away. Nice try though.

    BTW, I’ve spilt coffee on keyboards lots, with no ill effects and thus discovered a little-know piece of computer lore:
    Keyboards take their coffee black.
    (I’ve never offered a java libation to a laptop, though.)\


  20. 21 romi41
    September 29, 2008 at 1:21 am


    …ahem..that is all.

  21. 22 transientreporter
    October 11, 2008 at 12:41 am

    Fortunately, it was only a Sony. Were it a Mac, it would be grounds for divorce.

  22. October 24, 2008 at 1:37 pm

    First time on your site, and this is what I read first! Color me surprised! But yes I totally have done that before, it was ok, but my 4,6,one shift key, and space didn’t work anymore. And then the hard drive started to go funny. I hope you aired out the insides,too. My tip is to stroll away whistling – what? Laptop, wet? Who me? No way…Too bad I don’t have any kids to blame anything on.

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