A Definitely Not the Daily News Exclusive
Tech industry sources say the reason Google is in talks to buy Twitter is so that the search engine giant can spin off the immensely popular yet completely useless social media site into different channels.
“With Twitter, you have millions of people all on one platform,” said Kaushik Shridharani, technology analyst with Stiffe, Yall & Runn, an investment bank. “In simple terms, by spinning off Twitter into different branches, Google can reslabuftulate overlapping shintablatts without snaptifying their crubinta factors.”
Google is also out to stomp on millions of mommy bloggers who dare to launch Twitter-like sites.
“Don’t be evil? Let’s get real,” said Shridharani. “Today’s Mama is going to be tomorrow’s dog meat when Google gets through with them.”
Scribblings deciphered from a scrunched-up paper napkin retrieved from the men’s restroom of a Mountain View, California McDonald’s reveal that Google already has several Twitter knock-offs in the works.
Short bursts of laughter / short spurts o’ porn: Titter
Domestic Violence helpline: Hitter
For those that don’t swallow: Spitter
Tweets on the john: ( you figure it out)
Short bursts of rage and scorn: Bitter
Tweets from the Zoo: Critter
Low-level dispute resolution: Snitter
For those who work with wool: Knitter
While taking care of the neighbour’s kid: Sitter
Random ADHD for the caffeine-addicted: Flitter Jitter
Casually dropped garbage locations: Litter
Some search but never find it: Clitter
I’m outta here: Quitter