Google to buy Twitter in spin-off frenzy

A Definitely Not the Daily News Exclusive

Tech industry sources say the reason Google is in talks to buy Twitter is so that the search engine giant can spin off the immensely popular yet completely useless social media site into different channels.

twitter-i-send-pointless-little-messages“With Twitter, you have millions of people all on one platform,” said Kaushik Shridharani, technology analyst with Stiffe, Yall & Runn, an investment bank. “In simple terms, by spinning off Twitter into different branches, Google can reslabuftulate overlapping shintablatts without snaptifying their crubinta factors.”

Google is also out to stomp on millions of mommy bloggers who dare to launch Twitter-like sites.

“Don’t be evil?ย  Let’s get real,” said Shridharani. “Today’s Mama is going to be tomorrow’s dog meat when Google gets through with them.”

Scribblings deciphered from a scrunched-up paper napkin retrieved from the men’s restroom of a Mountain View, California McDonald’s reveal that Google already has several Twitter knock-offs in the works.

Among them:

Short bursts of laughter / short spurts o’ porn: Titter

Domestic Violence helpline: Hitter

For those that don’t swallow: Spitter

Tweets on the john: ( you figure it out)

Short bursts of rage and scorn: Bitter

Tweets from the Zoo: Critter

Low-level dispute resolution: Snitter

For those who work with wool: Knitter

While taking care of the neighbour’s kid: Sitter

Random ADHD for the caffeine-addicted: Flitter Jitter

Casually dropped garbage locations: Litter

Some search but never find it: Clitter

I’m outta here: Quitter

16 Responses to “Google to buy Twitter in spin-off frenzy”

  1. April 6, 2009 at 10:06 am

    I thought that twitter, already was mostly short bursts of rage and scorn.

    Actually, a Sitter Twitter would be a boon for nervous parents. “We’re watching TV/We’re watching TV/We’re watching TV/We’re getting a chocolate milk/We’re watching TV/” Don’t parents use it this way right now?

    BTW: Bike tour of Munich. Friday PM B4 WEBMU. Be there.

  2. April 6, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    I’d heard that the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe had spun off into investment banking. Glad to see the confirmation.

    As for the rest – suffice it to say I’m off to work with a huge smile on my face, not least because I know for a fact there ARE people sifting through the trash bins in Mountain View.

  3. 3 thebeadden
    April 6, 2009 at 11:11 pm

    LOL! Good one, Ian.

  4. 4 Michele J
    April 7, 2009 at 12:20 pm

    Twatter: for those who can’t figure out the Clitter interface. I think it would be a men’s site๐Ÿ˜‰

  5. April 7, 2009 at 6:41 pm

    Michele – with extreme close-ups, circles and arrows.๐Ÿ™‚

    @Linda (shoreacres) – Surely they didn’t once work for Google?

    @hb8 – that bike ride sounds lovely. Will you be taking care of the weather?๐Ÿ™‚

    @thebeadden – thanks!

  6. April 9, 2009 at 12:31 am

    A slight consonant change, but I heard one on the evening newscast – twalker. Tweeting while walking, of course. As for those Mountain View folks? There’s some thought they STILL work for google, albeit on the very lowest rung of the ladder.

  7. April 9, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    You are a wicked genius. I’m not on Twitter, (yet) but finally found one for me: Flitter Jitter, yay! And “immensely popular yet completely useless” —haha. I believe I went to high school with a couple of girls who could be described thus.๐Ÿ˜‰

  8. April 10, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    Blogger with too much time on hands: Shitter

  9. April 10, 2009 at 10:48 pm

    hahaaha….i’m pretty sure I would sign up to some of those spin-off sites, but which ones I will not say๐Ÿ˜‰

    PS: I STILL don’t get Twitter!! Seriously…why…what for? My life in 140 characters??? Why would anyone care!??!? Maybe I’m a hypocrite though, since I use Facebook (and since I am a blogger, oh please, people care about that!๐Ÿ˜‰ ), but at least on FB I feel like I’m talking to people, staying in touch, sharing pictures…doing something at least…am I wrong? sigh…

  10. 13 writechicpress
    April 15, 2009 at 3:40 am

    You had me at titter and hitter.๐Ÿ˜€

  11. April 15, 2009 at 6:43 am

    “I never write LOL”

    Neither do I. For some reason that one really irks.

  12. April 30, 2009 at 7:32 am

    Ha! It took me a while but I finally thought of one you missed. The German twitter:


    get it?



    ok, never mind

  13. April 30, 2009 at 7:59 am

    Indie – you mean for those who Twitter in thunderstorms?? Donnerwetter!

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