A Definitely Not the Daily News semi-exclusive
Los Angeles (DNDN) Enigmatic, eccentric entertainment eminence Michael Jackson exited earth earlier today, sending distraught fans of the pop singer, moonwalking inventor and Plastic Surgery Fail icon into a frenzy of mourning.
“I’m down here to show….just how much I loved him,” blubbered Christie Anderson, 42, of Mountain View, California outside the singer’s Neverland ranch. “He’s now out of my life, but not my heart.”
Sales of flowers, teddy bears, frilly hearts and other nauseating knick-knacks in a 50-mile radius of the singer’s California hideaway have skyrocketed as fans fight to bring whatever they can to lay at the front gates.
One woman stopped beating her chest and tearing her hair out long enough to complain of how area stores were price-gouging.
“They wanted 50 bucks for a key chain at the 7-11 just down the road,” said one middle-aged woman who declined to give her name. “I bought it anyway, cuz y’know, just imagine being caught on YouRube showing up here with nothing to give. It’d be unthinkable.”
One nearby 7-11 employee said stocks had already been depleted in the wake of the death of Farrah Fawcett only a day before.
“It’s supply and demand. Everyone’s doing it,” said 7-11 stockboy Pim P. Lee from behind the counter. ” See that rack of scandal sheets over there? You think they’re not going to make a killing in sales over this as well?”
Millions of fans who purchased tickets for Jackson’s sold-out This is It comeback tour in London are now being asked to return them for refund.
“We thought of presenting a hologram, doubling the price, and calling it Michael Jackson That was That,” said Jackson publicist James J. Goff, “but that would be about as tasteless and insensitive as posting a fake Jackson news piece within hours of his death. We’re asking everyone to at least give it a 24-hour grace period.”
Organisers of a planned Jackson Five reunion tour scheduled to get under way in March, 2010 say they’re still going to go ahead with the show, despite the death of the former quintet’s most famous member.
“Michael would have liked it that way,” said brother Jermaine Jackson from his home in Los Angeles. “Sales were strong, but we’re sure to get a sellout now that prices have been slashed by 20%.”