If Rudyard Kipling were blogging today

From out of the draft box – and in true web style, apropos of nothing – we hereby add to the enormous pile of parodies purloined from Rudyard Kipling’s most famous poem: If.

If…Rudyard Kipling had published his most famous poem in 2011 instead of 1910, here’s what it might have looked like:

If you can keep on blogging when all about you
Have moved to Facebook and say that you should too;
If you can trust yourself when others doubt you
Just keep on blogging – they can get one too;
If you can bait, but not get caught troll-baiting,
Or if on Twitter, don’t tweet no lies,
Or, being hated, don’t be swayed by haters,
And yet don’t Photoshop.  Don’t change those eyes:

If you can scream — and not post screams thereafter;
If you can think — while playing an online game;
If you can post both triumph and disaster
Most will click on Like just the same;
If you can bear to find a post you’ve written
Copied on a hate site to invite comments by fools,
Or watch the blog you gave your time to, ignored,
And stoop to build up hits with SEO tools;

If you can make one heap of online winnings
And risk it online gambling in one toss,
And lose — because they shut down full-tilt poker
And never tweet a line about your loss;
If you can rip off poems from mouldy dead guys,
Remember that it’s merely an exercise
To keep your brain in tune for the next time
You’re stuck for something to post that’s half-assed wise;

If you can source from crowds yet keep your virtue,
Or walk with Queens – nor lose your iPod Touch,
If neither trolls nor falsehood friends can hurt you,
If you can laugh at yourself — that counts for much;
If you can fill the neverending download minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of YouTube fun —
Yours is the Net and everything that’s fodder,
And – which is more – you’ll be a woman, my daughter!

11 Responses to “If Rudyard Kipling were blogging today”

  1. 1 indeterminacy
    December 12, 2011 at 10:33 am

    The first line is already classic. This inspired me to go out and reserve the rudyardkipling blogspot domain. And I got it too! Can’t wait for your versions of Shakespeare’s famous soliloquies.

  2. December 12, 2011 at 10:42 am

    If I could, I would hit the “like” button one hundred times. Really. I don’t know if you set out to make a lonely little blogger feel better, injecting a moment of levity in the flotsam of writerly aspirations in the middle of the night, but that’s sort of what you did.

  3. December 12, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Awesome! My favourite line:

    “Or walk with Queens – nor lose your iPod Touch,”, but it’s all brilliant.

  4. 4 hmunro
    December 12, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    Brilliant! Wish there were a way to upgrade the “like” button to “love.” Thanks for starting my day with a laugh.

  5. December 12, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    My favourite poem — except for Jabberwocky of course.
    The image of the original is chopped though — is that my browser?
    I like this bit :
    “If you can make one heap of online winnings
    And risk it online gambling in one toss,
    And lose — because they shut down full-tilt poker
    And never tweet a line about your loss;”
    Largely because I still have $80 bux tied up there. — no I did not tweet about it.

    • December 12, 2011 at 7:39 pm

      The original is chopped that way deliberately – it wouldn’t fit well otherwise. 🙂

      How do I blog thee?
      Let me count the ways.

      Auntie N, H and Fiona – thankyouthankyouthankyou!

  6. December 12, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    Haha… excellent Ian!!

  7. December 13, 2011 at 3:53 am

    Ian, it took only a nanosecond to remember “What if the Buddha were just some guy in his mom’s basement?” You’re a master of this sort of thing – inspirational snark, I think I’d call it. Funny as can be, but refreshing at the same time.


  8. December 13, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    I hate Facebook, but I like this sooo much.

  9. December 14, 2011 at 3:39 am

    Excellent. Bound to become a classic itself

  10. December 15, 2011 at 4:24 am

    Very clever parody. You should copyright this with the real copyright sign.. Merry Christmas (sorry I forgot the German and wouldn’t know how to spell it anyway.).

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